Fighting Temptation {manxman}

Capítulo Ventitré.

It still hurt because he took a life of importance. 

"Mhmm," I hissed as he continued on. "Vladimiro wanted me to kill Calandra because she two-timed him and he wanted to get rid of any loose ends." He said and I looked away, understanding his explanation. "I didn't want to kill her, but he forced my hand when he put my son on the line. I hope you can understand that." Ray finished and I let out a loud breath, cursing in Russian. "Calandra, of course, knew that she was going to die that day." He opened up once again. "We met privately before that day and she confided in me that she was okay with dying if it meant that you got out of it safely. She told me to kill her because she knew that you would get out of the situation." My heart dropped low in my chest and I closed my eyes, feeling the airways in my throat tighten. 

"Mierda." I had nothing to say of this revelation, nor was I sure of any action to take. I wasn't sure how to feel. "How do I know you aren't lying to me?" I accused, skepticism written all over my voice. I couldn't trust him, I wouldn't trust him. I didn't give two single shits if he had reason to pull that trigger. He still did it. 

"Here," He tossed a folded piece of paper on the desk swiftly as he leaned forward. "Tal vez," He murmured, a smirk on his face (Maybe). "This will change your mind, Antonio." He replied as he stood to his full height. "I wish to stay long but I'm afraid I have prior tasks." He sighed as I glared up at him, feeling utmostly conflicted. "...thank you," I mumbled as he walked over to the door, reaching for his keys.

What to do, what to do?

Do I forgive the man who killed my mother in exchange for his son's life, or do I get revenge? I didn't know. 

"Raymundo," I called out and he stopped mid-stride, looking over his shoulder as I continued to speak, looking down. "You should have come to me." I began, my voice husky and full of truth. "I wouldn't have let anything happen to your son." And I meant every single word that I said. I wouldn't have let anything happen to him. Over my dead fucking body.

Raymundo smirked knowingly me as he nodded. "I know, son, I know." He turned back and continued to walk, stopping once more. "Otra cosa," He pierced the dead silence with his booming voice (Another thing). "Que?" I replied, wondering what it was that he wanted. He let out a breath as he clenched his fist, his opposite index finger raised in the air as if to make a standing point.

"Please don't make my son cry anymore."

That was all he said before he exited the room, leaving me to my deepest and darkest thoughts. It felt as if he was silently giving me his blessing and I didn't know how to feel about that. I honestly didn't.

Now you know the truth.

I did, I really did and I had never felt guiltier in my life. I felt like a pedazo de mierda and it pained my heart to hear him say that mi amorcito was crying. I was wrong, I knew. So wrong.        

Could you just sit by me and hold my hand and tell me that everything is forever? Just so I can stop worrying?

"You know you have a beautiful heart but you're blinded by thoughts of perfection, which makes you feel unsure of yourself," A feminine voice spoke as the door shut and I jolted back, confused as to who it was.

Who the fuck else wanted to bother me?

"You look so pitiful, Antonio," I rolled my eyes at the antagonizing voice. "Sitting here and drinking all of your problems away. Do you think that you're the only with feelings?" I looked up to see my sister Maarika, walking towards me, her arms folded with a glare on her face. We had recently connected and it would've been much more heartfelt had I have not been intoxicated and still thinking about our mother's death. "I didn't ask you for your opinion, hermana." I rolled my eyes as I reached for the whiskey but a hand stopped me. "Leave that shit alone." I scowled in retaliation as I leaned back in my chair, wanting nothing but to drown in my sorrows.

"What the hell is this, Tonio?" She muttered as she stared at me, concern etched in her eyes and I frowned in annoyance, hating pity. "Don't fucking look at me like you're judging me," I growled, gritting my teeth. "I'll seriously kill you." I wasn't joking by any means but she let out a laugh, though humorless. "I'm not judging you." She whispered. "I'm wondering what made you this way? What are you thinking? Why is someone like you so guarded?" She questioned and I had nothing to say.

Worthless.

"Heh," I coughed as I felt a tear filling my eye. "I had thought that you felt truly betrayed by your little boy toy," Maarika sat on the edge of my desk, her watchful eye never leaving mine. "But I realized that it was something much deeper." I darted my eyes away from hers as I looked at the floor, goose bumps popping up on my arms as I swallowed tightly, the walls around me shooting up. "You're afraid, aren't you?" She pondered and I narrowed my eyes. "You're afraid that he'll think of you the way that you think of yourself."

Why wouldn't he?

Worthless.

I shut my eyes as I fought the urge to reach for the much-needed alcohol, my hands shaking intensely. "Shut up." I seethed as I cut my eyes at her, wanting her to be quiet. "Shut your fucking mouth." My voice was quiet and held no bite to it, nothing but the sound of pain echoing off of every flick of my tongue. 

Please, be quiet.

She hummed as she tilted her head. "Do you think that you're the only one who's allowed to be insecure?" Just, why exactly are you insecure? "Do you think that your little boy toy gives a shit about what problems you have, Antonio?" She spat and my breath hitched in my chest, my eyes suddenly overcome with water. When did that happen? I looked down at my hands, wanting her to stop talking to me. "You could literally tell him that you're bipolar with a mild case of schizophrenia and he wouldn't care!" Maarika screeched and I clenched my fists. "You know why? Cuz' he fucking loves you!" That was all she said and it felt like I was falling, crashing into a skyscraper.

My eyes widened. He did, didn't he? He was the first one, after all, to admit it to me, even when I was scared to say it first. I wanted to smile at the thought but my lips wouldn't work. 

"Do you think that you're the only one in love?" Maarika questioned, her brow raised and I sat there, silent. What could I say? How could I tell her that I was scared? How could I tell her when I was too scared and ashamed to face my demons? 

Cómo?

I couldn't look into the mirror and look at myself, seeing all the little memories floating around behind me because I knew that I could never look past them. I knew that I could never get over it because it hurt too much. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of past memories and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. 

Just pure darkness.

"Do you think mom died just so you can go and wallow like a little pussy? Do you think she really sacrificed her life just so you could throw away yours?!" She yelled and I could feel some cracking inside of me. "Grow the fuck up, Antonio! You are twenty-five!" She spat, her eyes steaming with rage. "I-" I stopped mid-sentence because I wasn't too sure of what to say. How could I respond? I literally had nothing to say. I wanted to get mad and rage on and on, even get drunk off my ass and pretend like I didn't live but I knew I couldn't. 

"Get off your fucking ass and go get your man!" Maarika yelled as she pointed at the door, and all of a sudden, her hand fell down. "Unless you're okay with the idea of someone taking your place beside him," She challenged me with a stare and I cursed profusely, letting out a long and loud sigh. I really didn't like that idea and she smirked knowingly. "You know damn well that you need him. You know damn well that he makes you whole. You know damn well that you can be you when you're with him." She finished as she rose to her full height, her feet hitting the floor as she fixed me with a gaze. She was indeed telling the truth.

Who am I without him?

"Mierda, I hate you, Maarika." I mumbled as I stood. She was right and I was wrong. I knew what I had to do and I was going to do it. She smiled as she pointed to the bathroom, probably telling me to go freshen up and changed.

"Alright hermano. Go get Ramiro."