Behind These Walls

Behind These Walls- Chapter One

It had been too long. Way too long that Layne had felt this way. He wanted help. He wanted to feel better, but apparently he couldn't help himself. It seemed nearly impossible to try to cheer himself up. He looked down on himself too much.

He had told one of his close friends about the way he felt. Layne knew Mike wouldn't tell anyone, because he was going through some things himself. He was the one who referred Layne to a therapist, who Mike said was wonderful, by the name of Jerry Cantrell.

So that was where Layne was now, taking the first step. He had got himself all signed up, and was now sitting in the waiting room along with a couple other people. Layne really hoped they were seeing someone else; he hated waiting.

He was a little nervous, but he tried to remain calm and collected. He knew if he wanted to feel better he couldn't be shy. After waiting about ten more minutes, a woman stepped out of a room and called his name. He followed her into an empty room with nothing but two chairs and a table in it.

"The therapist will be with you in a short bit." She said. Layne only nodded his head and took a seat.

He looked around the pretty much empty room. There was a huge window, with a great view of Seattle. Layne found himself staring out the window, not even paying attention when Jerry stepped in.

"Hey, sorry for the wait. I'm a little behind today." He said. He took a seat in front of Layne, flipping through his notebook. He didn't even look up at Layne, but when he did, he seen the most lovely man he had ever laid his eyes on.

He was froze, too froze to say a word. He just admired Layne's features, and sent him a smile. Layne softly returned it, but Jerry could tell it wasn't a true smile. The more he looked at Layne, the more odd Layne seemed. His eyes, so blue, looked so lost and hurt. Just the way Layne was looking, he seemed so lost.

"You doing okay?" Jerry asked. It wasn't the smartest question to ask, but it just kind of slipped out.

"Yeah, I... I'm okay." Layne assured him. He crossed his legs, now sitting Indian style in his chair.

"I'm Jerry." He introduced himself. He reached his hand out, and him and Layne shared a handshake.

"I'm Layne." Layne said. He voice was soft and quiet.

"Well, it's nice to meet you. So, can I ask what's bothering you?"

Layne cleated his throat. He wasn't sure what to say. He was beginning to regret coming here now. Maybe after all he didn't want to talk to someone about his problems.

Just do it, Layne. Just spit it out.

"I just... I don't know how to really explain. It's like... I hate myself. I feel like the most miserable man on earth. It's getting to the point I don't want to live anymore. That's why I came here, hoping you'd help me."

"So, you're having suicidal thoughts?" Jerry asked. Layne watched as he wrote a few things down.

"Yeah."

"There's this really good place, Layne. It's like a depression center. It's for people who are considering taking their own life. You stay there for about two weeks. The people there are really helpful, and-"

"No! I can't go to a place like that. I've been to a place like that before, back when I was a teenager. It didn't help. I hated it. I was in a room by myself most of the day. The only time I wasn't alone was when a therapist came in to talk to me, about three times a day. I came to talk to you, and you're already wanting to ship me off to a suicidal place? No. I refuse to go." Layne stated.

"It was just an idea. I didn't say I wanted to ship you off. I just thought-"

"I don't want to go. It's fine if you can't help me. I'll try to deal with this on my own."

Jerry shook his head. "No, I'm going to help you, Layne. Until you feel complete again. I'm sorry. It was only an idea."

"Promise me you won't make me go there." Layne whispered. Jerry could hear the fear in his voice. He knew he was desperate not to go. Although, Jerry knew he couldn't make Layne do anything he didn't want to, he still nodded his head.

"I promise."

Layne sighed in relief. "Good."

"Well, you said you went there when you were a teenager, so how long have you been feeling this way?"

Layne shrugged his shoulders. "For a while. It wasn't so bad to begin with, but over time, it got worse."

Jerry nodded his head, jotting things down in his notebook.

"So, tell me more of what's going on."

Layne bit his lip. Jerry could tell he was hesitant, but it was nothing new with people. He had actually shared more than most people would at their first appointment, so he was already quite proud of Layne for that.

"I don't know. I told you, I just hate myself. I hate everything about me."

"Were you ever bullied in school?"

Layne shook his head. "No one ever bothered me at school. I mostly stayed to myself. I had two friends. One named Eddie, and one named Mike, and they're still with me. Mike was actually the one who referred me to you."

"Well, how was your home life?"

Layne shrugged. "Normal. I mean, my parents were always supportive of me and loved me. Of course they'd argue sometimes, like every couple, nothing major. It never had an effect on me."

"So... these problems are just involving yourself? No one made you feel and think like this?"

Layne nodded. "Right. It's just me, and I can't understand why."

"Well, I guess that's one thing we need to figure out, isn't it? That's the first step we'll take into helping this problem. How do you... view yourself?"

"As a disappointment," Layne mumbled, looking down at his lap, "I just feel like I wasn't meant to be here."

"Everyone is here for a reason, Layne." Jerry said. Layne only nodded his head.

"I think we can call it quits for today." Layne said quietly. He didn't feel the need to talk anymore. At least, not right now.

"We still have a few minutes."

Layne shrugged. "You still have some patients waiting to see you. I'm done for today."

"Can you come back Wednesday?" Jerry asked. Layne nodded his head.

Jerry pulled out the clipboard that was underneath the notebook. He scribbled something on a paper before handing it to Layne. It was his next appointment on Wednesday and the time to be there.

"I really hope to see you again, Layne." Jerry told him.

"I hope to see you again, too." Layne said. He didn't sound so sure of himself, and that made Jerry worry more.