Just Sharing.

15th Share

28th of May, 2018
9:29 pm

It's been a year. I'm of legal age at this point, finally enrolled in college that starts in a few days, thrusted into the world of horrible reality, and honestly, I absolutely hate it.

First thing's first however, is this whole sharing diary thing even a good idea? Perhaps it is. Then again think of all the consequences. Someone in my family could read it. Someone I hope wouldn't read it would read it. And I'd be basically pouring my heart out to the world and it'd make me look like a much weirder person in the future when someone stumbles upon this. But anyway, I don't entirely care at the moment.. mainly because I just want to rant.

Which is the second thing. I just.. there are so many things stressing me as of today and what's worse is that the fact that I know that my stress is stressing other people makes me feel even more stressed. God.

And then here comes the feeling wherein I feel as if my feelings are invalid. That I don't even deserve the right to feel better because whatever happens to me is my fault at any rate. I bring everything upon myself because apparently every little thing I do affects what happens around me, right? All that philosophical bullshit?

Sigh.

I try my best, you know? Or at least I believe I try my best. I try to make sure whatever I do doesn't make other people angry and inevitably scold me or call me stupid for not thinking which then causes me to spiral into a deep dark oblivion called "depression". Am I stupid? I don't think I am. Though sometimes I am driven to believe I am thanks to them and what they say. But then again, the things I do to avoid getting the worst of it tend to backfire.

I guess I am what people call that typical moody teenager who pushes people away. God, it hurt to admit that. I never thought it would ever come to this.. says the person who decided that writing her feelings online was a good idea.

Should I stop?

I probably should.. though I do have more to say.

Let's try getting this over with then. Basically:

1.) I hate me.