Inaudible - M.YG.

Eight

I sat there on her couch, tapping my foot against the floor, a bit impatient. I could still see Y/N still in the streets, hot tears coming down her cheeks. I could still hear the small noises she had made to express now that I saw was frustration. She was frustrated. Why couldn't she just tell me in her voice? Did she have some sort of speech deficiency? Is that why she didn't want to talk?

Her body stepped out from around a corner, a notebook in hand. It was a purple color, little stickers covering it. Her eyes were still bloodshot from crying. She had the notebook tucked under her arm, her smile no where in sight. I missed it.

As she stopped in front of me, she held the notebook out in front of her. I looked at it, then up at her. I pointed to myself. "Me?"

She nudged the notebook towards me again, egging me on to read it. I gave her a side look, but slowly took the notebook into hand, letting it settle down into my palms.

I felt rude for taking one of her notebooks. It seemed like a diary. I bit my lip as I looked down at the cover. Looking at the stickers, that seemed to catch my eye:

Worthless:

Useless:

Nothing.

"No," I said with a nervous laugh, looking up at her. "No, this isn't true. You know that isn't true. You are none of those things."

She motioned towards the notebook, coming to sit down beside me. She tapped the notebook with her fingers, trying to get me to open up the page. She seemed blank, hiding emotion. I gave her a somewhat of a pleading look, but after a little bit, I took a breath and opened the front page.

Dear ______,
You knew I did this. You knew I was something not to be reconciled with. I should have been nothing to you. I should've been nothing in general. I am nothing, but what I did do made me something else.
It's been a week without speaking. It's quite easy, to be honest. The first few days are harder than the rest, but now it comes naturally. I purchased a sign language book. I'm studying it for an hour every night to make sure I know what I'm saying. I want to seem like I belong somewhere where no one speaks. I wish it was easier on me, but it seems torturous right now to learn a new language, but it's for the best.
They've been looking for me, I just know it. There's no news about you or my disappearance, but they must been trying to find me. They're going to one day, but I want to live my own happy life. I don't want what you brought upon me. This is the only thing I did hate about you; is that you left me in an empty shell with hatred for what I did to you in the past.
I ask for forgiveness. I need your forgiveness. Send me a sign. Send me anything. Send me death, life, a gray. Anything to show me that you accept my apology. I need your apology. I need to live on. I need to be that person that wallows in my sorrow. I'm already punishing myself enough, but you need to let me know you forgive me. Please. Just do that for me. 
Love,
Y/N.

I looked up at Y/N, my eyes sad. Something inside me was sinking. My sadness was something so great, I felt like I couldn't take it. I had no clue what happened in that letter, but something definitely wasn't right. Something was hidden in this letter that I had no clue that happened. Something about her past that made no sense at the time.

Y/N had a small tear rolling down her cheek, biting her lip to keep back her cries. She took the notebook from my hands, frantically flipping the pages. I watched as her eyes scrolled over each page, but finally stopped to look at one. She stared at it for a second, but handed it back to me. Another tear rolled down her cheek. I turned my head back to the page, looking at its contents.

Dear J.,
I saw one of them today. They came to that coffee shop you liked so much. That damned tea that you would always get was on my daily routine. I had to get it, but I should have known they would have been there. I ran. I ran twenty blocks, losing them in a rundown part of town. I still had your tea in my hands.
As I ran, I still remember your blood, it running down your head, some of your cranium scattered around your head. Your hair tuffed each one, blood soaking each. You lying there, my music playing over your dead body. Who knew such a melodic song could ever be in such a horror situation like that? Who knew that your beautiful body would be contorted in such ways it was? It was something out of a film that was too crazy and unreal to be true.
I still remembered running out of your apartment, tears streaming down my cheeks. My blackouts were growing worse. I could feel it. I couldn't control them anymore. I needed to step away. I needed to stay hidden. They were going to find me if I wasn't careful. I couldn't have them find me. I didn't want to face the dangers of what was to come.
Was I an idiot for ever running? Was I an idiot for ever leaving you behind? Was I an idiot to get too close? I will never get too close to someone again. I will never speak again, never hear my voice that brought you to your knees. I will keep myself hidden in my cage, never come out to face the truth. You will never see me up there again, talking to someone. I will always get your damned tea, I will always block out music, I will always remind myself every night at eleven-fifty-two of what I did to you. That was your death. I counted it. I hate myself for doing that, but I counted it.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, just forgive me already. Show me anything that you want me to see. I will always keep you in my memories, always keeping my voice silent. Please, just free me from my hell.
Love, 
Y/N.

I bit my lip, staring down at the paper for a second. Y/N wrote all these letters. I looked at the date. It was the day before I met her. I became a bit confused, turning to the next page. 

Dear J.,
I met him today. He's just as sweet as you. He accepts me just like you. I really like him. He didn't seem to mind me not talking. There hasn't been any blackouts lately, so I count that as a win. I will always be with you, but I want to see him. I want to risk it. I don't want to risk him, but I want to risk myself, if that makes sense. I will always be with you, but I need to try and let go. I'm going to grow close and understand myself a bit more. Thank you. I hope this is your sign.
Love,
Y/N.

I looked up at Y/N. She was now on the other side of the couch, curled up into a ball. She hiccuped a bit every once in awhile, tears running and lining her eyes. She stared at the TV. This was a girl that still held a great mystery, something that wasn't ready to be revealed. She was something that was fragile. I didn't know what to do anymore.

"You loved this person, did you?" I murmured, placing the notebook on the coffee table in front of me. I placed my forearms on my thighs, trying to have her eyes meet mine.

She only gave a nod, a small sob escaping her.

I turned my head towards the ground, looking between my legs. I chewed at my lip, a bit scared to say anything. What happened with this girl? "You did something you're ashamed of."

I saw her nod out of the corner of my eye.

"Did you kill them?"

I turned my eyes over to see her. Her lip trembled slightly, trying to keep in a cry. She gave a hiccup of sadness, crushing her legs between her arms as she held them to her chest. She gave a nod.

"Through a blackout?"

She gave another nod.

I gave a small sigh. I felt a tear slip out from my eye. I reached up in a hurry, swiping it away in a quick motion. I cleared my throat, leaning back into the couch, letting my head rest on the cushions. "Have you considered that you haven't killed them?"

She shook her head rapidly. A loud sob escaped her mouth, her body convulsing the couch as she did. She reached a shaky hand up. I, D, I, D.

"No, you did not. I refuse to think that," I said, shaking my hands in my lap. I was starting to grow angry. "You're putting yourself through this because you think you did this! You never did this! You never will!"

She gave a scream and a cry of frustration all into one. She slammed her fists down into the couch cushions below, her body shaking. I could see she was begging to break to scream at me. Y, O, O, N, G, I, S, T, O, P.

"Why do you think you did this?" I blurted. "Why do you think you did any of this ridiculous shit?"

She signed so fast, I barely caught it. B, L, O, O, D, O, N, M, E.

"In my eyes, you never did this," I murmured, staring up at the ceiling for a moment. I was trying to keep myself composed. "You're not like this, Y/N. You're sweet and nice and cute and my everything. I love you so much, Y/N. You have no effing clue how much I damn love you. You would never do this. I know you wouldn't hurt me. I know you refuse to speak because of what you believe in, but you're still innocent in my eyes."

There was a moment of silence between us, the both of us thinking. I wanted to sob, just to relieve my pain. She was so innocent, so perfect, so everything that I wanted. She wasn't a killer. She was my everything, an everything that was too perfect to handle. She would never do anything like this.

I never heard her move, but her hands suddenly grabbed my face, her lips planting themselves on mine. I stared at her with wide eyes, shock consuming me. Her lips were soft and nice, tasting a bit of salt on them from her tears. Her hands shook as she held me, her body wanting to give away.

After a few seconds, her lips pulled away, her eyes opening. They were bloodshot still, her face looking like she was about to give away at any second. I could see it in her eyes that she loved me too.

It happened so fast, but I went back in for another kiss, feeling my stomach sinking as I did so. My arms wrapped around her, gathering her up in my lap. I kissed her with so much force, yet she answered back just the same. I needed her. I needed her in my life.