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Chapter 23: Bonding Time

"Where's the fire?" he joked.

With your head down, you said, " I just need to pack." You shouldered past him and he gripped your shoulders. "Dean, please."

"You know I'm only worried about you. You don't have to face this alone."

"Maybe I want to," you yelled, spinning on your heels to face him. "Did that ever occur to you guys? Maybe I need to face it alone to get over it." The tears were now coming in a steady stream. "I don't need you guys constantly trying to get me to open up, okay?"

Without another word, you ran from Dean and slammed your door shut, sliding down to the floor with your head on your knees. The sobs were so violent that you couldn't scream or make any noise it all. The only thing you could do sit there with silent tears, unable to breathe properly.

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You weren't sure how long you had stayed bawling on the floor, but after what seemed like an hour at the very least, you decided to shove clothes and weapons into your duffel. The drops of sadness still fell from your eyes, and you hardly even noticed anymore. After there was a satisfactory amount of clothes in your bag, you slung the strap over your shoulder and walked back out to the library where Sam had his nose in a book.

"Where's Dean?" you asked hoarsely. You tried to clear your throat inconspicuously.

Sam looked up from his book and his brows cinched when he took in your ragged appearance. If he mentioned a word of it to you, you were afraid you might scream in frustration.

"Probably the bar trying to pick up some chick."

"Oh." Your heart faltered at the thought of Dean flirting with another girl, not that he ever much flirted with you, but it still hurt. And you hated yourself for that. With your emotions still running high and out of control, more tears fell.

You could tell Sam wanted to get you to open up, but rather said, "Why don't you drop the duffel. Stay awhile."

"I can't do this," you whispered as the duffel fell from your shoulder that had gone limp as every emotion weighed you down again.

"Do what?" he asked, finally closing the book and walking to you.

"I don't know. I-I just feel overwhelmed by everything. Sam, it's my fault she's dead and you can't convince me otherwise. And then...I don't know. Everything, just everything is too much and for some reason, this time, I can't cope."

Rather than saying words that ultimately would mean nothing, Sam crushed you tight to his chest. It hurt a little since you were still slightly sore from Abaddon's beatings, but it was comforting all the same. He held you in the embrace for a long time as you cried.

"Y/N," he said softly as he held you at arm's length. "It's been less than twenty four hours. No one is expecting you to be able to cope already. You're allowed to grieve and be upset. There's no shame in that."

"There is," you shouted. "It's weak and hunters aren't supposed to be weak. I shouldn't be the one that's still alive. It should be my brother or my parents or Nikki. Anyone but me. They were all tougher than me. How did I make it? Why did I make it and they didn't?"

Sam pulled you back in for another hug. "You can't think like that. You're strong and smart and you always keep fighting. That's why you're still here, and I'm glad you are. And Dean is too, actually."

It was your turn to break away and then show your back to him with your arms crossed over your chest. "I'm sure he is," you mumbled. "That's why he's out trying to pick someone up."

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," you said bitterly. "When will he be back? I want to get this hunt done and over with."

"I don't know," Sam said sheepishly. "But why don't you and I eat. I can make a chicken salad," he offered.

You sighed, feeling defeated that you weren't getting real answers about Dean and that the hunt was postponed. "Fine."

Sam made his health food, only using a vinaigrette for the dressing. You made up some french fries to put on top of your salad, drenching it all in ranch.

"It's seriously amazing that Dean and you didn't get along better in the beginning," Sam stated as he watched you turn the healthy food into something filled with unnecessary calories. "Would it kill you to be healthy?"

"You never know." You grinned at him, finding his offense amusing.

Sam questioned you about your life before the hellhounds. You told him about growing up in a small town and taking on simple hunts as you grew up. "I actually got to stay in the same school until I graduated."

"Must be nice," he mused. He went on to tell you about his time at Stanford. It saddened you to think that he was out of the hunting life and ended up being drug back into it. It was such a rare thing to hear of a hunter who made it out with no plans to get back in.

"Was it really worth it?"

He shrugged. "At this point I couldn't imagine doing anything else, but there were a lot of times in the beginning that I was bitter at Dean for pulling me in."

"I wish I could have gotten out," you said quietly. It would've been nice to grow up as a normal girl, one who got to dress up and be girly, one who could have slumber parties. Instead, you dressed in worn out clothes that didn't matter if they got torn or bloodied from a hunt. You never had the opportunity to experience what normal girls did. There was no choosing to be tough over girly. It was mandatory for survival.

"Do you want to watch a movie or something to kill the time?"

"Thanks for the offer, but I think I'm going to nap again. All of this crying has me pooped."

The corner of Sam's mouth twitched up. "Alright. At this point, we probably aren't going to leave for the hunt until tomorrow."

"I kinda figured."

You stood and scraped a few of the soggy fries that sat in the bottom of your salad bowl into the garbage.

A/N: Okay, guys... I'm going to bring this up again because I hate the names of my chapters. Pl see, please, PLEASE, if you ever think a chapter name could have something better and you have a suggestion let me know. I feel like a loser not being able to name my chsopters well. So if you can help me out, it would make me love you guys more than I already do.

Oh, also, for some reason I really want to have a name for you guys, if you know what I mean. Like, something supernatural related. If this makes sense and you know what I'm talking abou, leave some ideas in the comments and we can do a vote in a few weeks. Thanks you lovely and beautiful people who I love so much!! See you in the comments or the next update 😉