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Chapter 22: Learning to Cope

A/N: Here's the second update for the day. Again, so sorry about forgetting yesterday. But enjoy!
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Dean pulled into the garage of the bunker at mid-day. The boys were tired and, despite sleeping most of the way home, you were exhausted. For that reason, it was a surprise when Sam suggested that you all start building the pyre then.

"Are you sure?" you asked. "It's been a long day for all of us." Truthfully, you wanted to get it done. The sooner it was done, the less chance there was of Niki coming back as a ghost. Besides, she deserved it then. Not days after when you were ready to cope. You would never really be ready to cope, anyway.

"I think it would be best. Dragging it out is always harder."

Following Dean around to the back of the car, you bit your lip when he popped the trunk. They had Niki all wrapped up in a white sheet. There was no trace of blood anywhere on it. Part of you was glad that you didn't have to look at her, but there was another part that was upset for it.

Dean scooped her into his arms effortlessly. "Ready?"

"As I'm gonna be."

Sam draped his arm over your shoulder and drew you close to his side as you went out into the woods near the bunker. You sucked in a deep breath and had determined that you wouldn't cry over Niki anymore. You were supposed to be tough and unbreakable, not an emotional wreck.

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"Do you want to do it?" Sam asked.

You carefully took the lighter from his hand and turned it over in your palm a few times. Burning her body made it final. There was no way for her to be brought back. With a deep breath, the lighter ignited and you tossed it onto Niki's salted body. Thanks to the excess of gasoline dumped on her and the sticks she was placed on, everything engulfed in flames.

There was a brother on either side of you. Both kept their hands tucked away in their jackets as the fire raged and destroyed what was left of poor Niki. There were so many emotions ripping through you and you chose not to feel any of them. You stared at the flames as they shifted with the wind and became entranced by their bright color and warmth.

A lot of time passed by without any words spoken and you were more than happy for that. You knew your emotions would betray your voice and then your resolve would break. Eventually Dean spoke up and suggested that you all head inside and get something to eat. Rather than responding verbally, you walked ahead of the boys and retrieved your laptop from your room. By the time Dean and Sam returned, you were in the library surfing through the internet for cases. There had to be something, anything, to take your mind off of Niki.

"What do you guys want?" Dean called from the kitchen.

"Surprise us," Sam replied as he walked into the library with a glass of water in his hand. "How are ya holding up?"

You looked up from your laptop in time to see him take a drink and miss his mouth, soaking his chin and shirt collar. It made you laugh, which made him smile. "I'm alright. It's never easy, but I'll get over it like always."

"If you ever need to talk, you know, about anything, really, I'll listen."

"I know, Sam. Thanks."

You returned to looking through news articles on your laptop, occasionally snooping through the newspaper that was beside you. Nothing seemed to be jumping out as a case. Sure, there were a few suspicious deaths here and there, but not enough that the boys would go for it.

"What are you looking for?" Sam asked, sitting in chair next to you.

You paused for a moment, deciding whether or not to make something small into a case. You needed the distraction, but what if it was nothing. Would they be mad at you? It didn't matter.