Buzzfeed, Boys, Black Magic

stepping on grubs

***

After we got off the Ferris wheel, Rafi looked green.

"I've always wanted to go on a Ferris wheel high," he said, "but man, I don't think the Ferris wheel wanted me to, you know?"

We found the port-a-potties. Rafi retched up his turkey leg. As I waited outside, I got a text message from Abby.

            So have you pissed him off yet?

I told him I thought he wasn't and would never be sexy. I responded.

            Harsh. You on the out?

He called me a "tough crowd" and says he "likes it."

Okay. Guess it is pretty hard to piss off a pothead. What are you going to do now?

            Plan B, I guess?

I still hadn't come up with a Plan B.

***

Rafi recovered from his nauseated dizziness after a small cup of lemonade.

As we waited in line for the bumper cars, I thought about casually using a racial slur. Or stealing cotton candy from the blue-lipped four-year-old in front of us. Or grabbing a pair of scissors from the arts and craft tent and snipping off the beards of every Amish man selling produce in the open-air farmer's market.

Rafi might very well break-up with me after I did any of those things. But I'd probably face other consequences too. Worse consequences than a pothead soulmate. A bloody nose, an appearance in county court, a felony hate crime.

After all, Rafi would be better than anybody I could meet in jail.

So instead, I decided to weird him out.

"Hey Rafi," I said. "Where do you think the lizard people come from?"

"Narnia," he replied, as if I had just asked him about the weather. I'm not sure he knew what I was talking about. He still seemed hazy, but his high had clearly faded. I decided to carry my insanity charade further.

"They do not come from Narnia," I insisted. "They're a side-effect of the chemtrails."

"They don't have chemtrails in Narnia," Rafi said again. "So riddle me that."

Okay, so he clearly knew what I was talking about. Apparently, he thought I was joking. I had to communicate complete sincerity or this would be written off as an ironic game.

"Narnia doesn't exist," I snapped. "Chemtrails are real."

I felt a tap on my shoulder. A granola-looking woman stood in line behind us. She wore a kicking three-year-old child in her front-facing papoose. He did not look comfortable.

"Don't say that so loudly," she whispered. "People are going to think you're crazy."

"Ah, why would they think that?" Rafi smirked.

"The government doesn't want us to know about all the toxins in the environment," she said. Her blue eyes were saucer-like and tinged with delusion. "There'd be a riot."

"For sure," I said. "The deep state is controlled by lizards."

"They're cold-blooded monsters," granola agreed.

"They're literal reptiles," I said.

"Literal wolves in sheep skin," granola said.

"No, not wolves," I said. "They're literal lizards." I tried to look confused. "They have forked tongues and eat flies-"

"Eyes Wide Shut is real," granola slapped Rafi's arm. "My cousin lives in DC. I'm telling you- evil controls our world."

"Do you know what the word literal means?" I asked granola.

Rafi gave me a look. He opened his mouth to say something but-

"Next!"

We turned around. The teenager in charge of admitting people into the bumper car ride motioned toward the entrance.

Before we could leave her, granola handed Rafi and me a couple pamphlets from her big, hobo-bag-style purse.

"There's a connection between chemtrails, cancer, and autism," she rubbed our shoulders. "Protect your children. Make your own compost. Don't listen to anyone who tells you the earth is round."

I felt my left eye twitch.

***

"You know, you're full of shit," Rafi said, as we got out of the bumper car ride. "You really shouldn't encourage the crazies."

"Who said I was encouraging the crazies?" I said. "Who said she was even crazy? Maybe she's right- maybe the world is flat and controlled by evil."

"You know, I think you got to find a new job," Rafi said. "I think the Newton Center is making you lose it a little."

"You're probably right," I said, despite myself. But before I could say something that would again make Rafi question my sanity, he set his arm around me. My head fell against his chest.

"Any job that makes you wonder if the world is flat and or controlled by evil is a job you don't need."

I looked up at him. The evening sunlight played red and orange over us- and for a moment, his yellow hair and brown skin seemed to be cast in gold. I noticed then that the corners of his lips naturally turned upward- as if he wore a perpetual smile. It fit him. He was walking serenity. 

I wondered how someone- anyone- could be so calm.

He met my eyes. I dropped my gaze to the ground.

"You hungry?" he asked.

"I could eat," I said.

"You drive us somewhere, and I'll buy you dinner."

***