A Walk On Ice

10: Working Together

"How can you hung up on your mother? I accept it if it's just me, but your mother? You have no idea-" oh this is about that woman again. I cut him off immediately. "You have no idea how she makes me feel.. Every time I hear her voice, it makes  want to..." I didn't get to finish the sentence because it hurts so fucking much, this made dad's forehead scrunch but he just shrugged it off. "..die.." I whispered to myself, making sure that my dad didn't hear it and he didn't, hopefully.

"Carroll, why can't you just try listening to her? You have no idea how much she misses her only daughter.." Dad pleaded, I disappointedly shook my head. "Listen to her? Listen to her apologies over and over and over again? No dad, I'm a busy person I don't have time for those kind of things, waste of time.." I huffed then the same cheek received another slap after I spoke.

"How can listening to your mother be a waste of time Carroll?" I closed my eyes for a second before looking up at him, giving him the coldest look I could ever mutter. "You have no idea of what I feel father. You have no idea of what I'm going through.. This is how I am after she left.." I hissed, keeping my voice low. Dad has to insert in his thick skull that I don't want to talk to Carolyn right at this moment, or even any moment for that matter. It just hurts hearing her voice sound so happy and jolly without us, her former family.

"How dare you Carroll! Where has your respect gone? I don't know you anymore! I cannot understand how you can't forgive your mother!" He raised his hand to slap me again, not hesitating to do it. I continued to glare at him, daring him to continue and he did. It didn't matter, he could slap me all he wants. However, I wouldn't be able to trust him ever again for forcing me to do something I don't want to. The same cheek received the third slap. New record Carroll, way to go!

"Yes dad! You can't understand, you don't know.. Nobody knows how I feel! Nobody understands me! Not you, not Carolyn, even Samuel can't!" I snapped at him, he clenched his fists while my grip on my purse tightened.

"How can we know?! You always shut people out! You isolate yourself from us! You keep everything to yourself! If you would just talk to your mom Carroll... We can fix this.." His voice started to soften as he begged, but no, I'm standing on my ground.

"I can't dad! This is how I am after she left us for her mistress! How can you just forgive her? She cheated on you! A part of me was lost when she left, when she left this family.. And no matter what she says, how many times she apologize, that part of me won't return.. It will never return! She was my role model, she was my best friend, she was my everything.. She was the one who always gave me warmth! She always made me feel protected and reassured me protection at all times.. Now that she's gone.. Everything's gone also.. My smile, my happiness, the warmth.." I paused to look intently at my dad's hazel eyes.

"She's the reason I'm cold, she turned me into this ice and now.. She has to deal with it, whether she likes it or not. All of you will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. Do you understand that dad?" I did not give him a chance to reply as I walked out and went straight to my room, not bothering to look back.

I heard my voice being called but I didn't stop running until I found my room. I locked the door and went to my bed. I let myself cry. I just don't understand why he pushes me to talk to her again, bond with her.. Can't they understand the pain that I feel whenever I see or even hear her voice?!

Can't they understand that I'm not ready to forgive her yet?! I am still not ready to accept the fact that once I forgive her, we will never see her again. She will be happy with her wife and completely forget us.

"Fuck this.." I grumbled then cried more before falling asleep.

÷÷÷÷