I'm staring down into the sea of lights.
Through this ridiculous panorama window.
The view distorted by heavy rain again.
3 a. m. was long ago.
The world at my feet.
Me above, at the bed edge smoking.
As usual, I'm trying to figure out,
why exactly my inside is broken.
Take a look at this mind.
A soundproof place of white noise.
I don't smell any teen spirit,
or have an understandable voice.
My hand is reaching out towards the glass,
hoping in vain to feel it being cold.
But no stimulus hits my nerves.
Can only imagine what others have me told.
What if the rain would hit my skin?
If the window would just disappear?
If there wasn't a thing to hold me back?
Would there be any fear?
But in the end that would kill nothing.
Nothing that isn't already dead.
But if I'm honest, I admit,
it would kill a nothing and her cigarette.
I want to kill it by myself.
That only friend that stays no matter what.
That turns ashes if i want it to.
That understands that life's just not enough.
Numbing the sense for needs,
it has helped me keeping the appearance everyone desires
and showed me how to handle
loneliness and liars.
"Personal growth" I call my hell.
Perfecting every skill and ideal.
So I don't need to trust in anyone,
besides my wish to feel.
I'm always by myself
No one has ever tried to relate,
that my purpose is to outstrip you,
so I can sense your hate.
One day you will break down,
thinking of all those dreams that slipped your fingers
and you'll face the emptyness you tried to suppress,
but still inside you lingers.
There are no problems for me to solve.
Now my only enemy is death.
It consumes the energy
of every heartbeat and every breath.
What am i even waiting for?
To find love, peace and happiness?
How shall I search for something,
when I'll never be sure what it is?
Looking at my pale reflection,
I can't see the difference clear,
between raindrops on the glass
and another tear.
Somewhere in the storm,
along the horizon,
on this monochrome morning,
the sun has started rising.
The night is leaving.
It took another part of me astray.
Even though I'm begging it to stay,
but it begins another monochrome day.
Without you.
__________________________________
First of all, thank you so much for taking your time reading my stuff :)
I hope the start wasn't tooo dramatic :S
Wish you a beautiful day or night
