Sanders Sides- Virgil

Sadness

I'm not okay. I promise. (I'm sorry I had to) The one person who I thought would always be there for me, the one person who I thought would always love me no matter what, has left me. He's left me behind to die. Maybe he's right. Maybe I should just go...kill myself. Maybe instead of waiting to die, I should just do it. Instead of starving myself, instead of cutting myself, I should just kill myself. Get my pathetic, worthless self to die today. To die right now. To kill myself.

I haven't moved from the spot where Roman left me. I'm kind of...in shock right now. My hands are clammy. My whole body won't stop shaking. My heart rate keeps on speeding up. So does my breathing. I've been having panic attacks over and over again. I can't stop crying. I'm having a mental breakdown. Normally when I'm like this, I call up Roman and he comforts me, but this time, he's the reason why I'm like this. Maybe I shouldn't have said all of those horrible things to him. Then he wouldn't have said all of those horrible to me. I feel bad. I know I shouldn't, but I still do. Though I'm also very angry at him for what he said. Part of me feels bad and the other part wants me to kill him.

I let out a small cry and bury my face in my hands. I then quickly get up, run to my room, and just start tearing everything apart. I pull down my curtains, I rip off my bedsheets, tear off my closet door, pull out all of my drawers to my dresser and throw out all of my clothes. I open up my nightstand drawer and rip out all of my poems and songs and throw those on the floor. I jump on the papers, crumpling them up. I tear them apart so small pieces of paper scatter around my room. I throw everything- trinkets, clothes, notebooks, my phone, lamps- anything that I can reach. Then my eyes lay on the I'm Not Okay hat that Roman gave me. I open my door and throw it out into the hallway, not caring what happens to it. I slam my door with such force that I feel the walls shake.

I sit down on my bed, and start singing the Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson because it's so fucking relatable. But I change she to he. Makes me get my anger out more.

"He's made of hair and bone and little teeth
Things that cannot speak
He comes on like a crippled plaything
Spine is just a string

I wrapped our love in all this foil
Silver-tight like spider legs
I never wanted it to ever spoil
But flies will lay their eggs

Take your hatred out on me
Make your victim my head
You never ever believed in me
I am your tourniquet

Prosthetic synthesis with butterfly
Sealed up with virgin stitch
If it hurts, baby, please tell me
Preserve the innocence

I never wanted it to end like this
But flies will lay their eggs

Take your hatred out on me
Make your victim my head
You never ever believe in me
I am your tourniquet

What I wanted, what I needed, what I got for me
What I wanted, what I needed, what I got got me

Take your hatred out on me
Make your victim my head
You never ever believe in me
I am your tourniquet

Take your, take your
Get up out of me
I'm not proud with me
I never ever believed in me
I am your tourniquet"

I end the song with a sigh and feel tears streaking down my face. If I didn't break my razor, I would've killed myself by now. Maybe I can sneak into someone else's bathroom and take their razor? No, because then they'll notice that it's gone and start asking questions. Questions make me anxious.