Yeah, I'm awake...at 2:19 am. I'm too tired to sleep...I've had a lot go on today...me and Chase got into a fight...and I feel like I want to die right now...I've been suicidal for 3 years. And the suicidal thoughts increase not by the day, but by the hour, and they haunt me, tempting me...
I want to...just end all of it...the pain...the hurt...the torture....I'm a fuckin screw up anyway....I don't believe that anyone would care if I was gone...if I decided to end my life....everyone would find a way to live without me anyway...
And if Chase ends up reading this, I have some things to say to you.
First: I love you, very very very much. And I-I need you.
Second: Can't you tell when I say "I'm fine." Of how much pain and sadness there is in my eyes? When you ask me how I am...I almost start to cry, but I manage to tell you such an easy lie. And when I go home, wanting to die, you still think I'm fine because you didn't catch that horrible lie...
That's all I have to say if you're reading this.
But to everyone else, I'm cutting again, so bad, I make sure I give myself pain, deep cuts to where blood runs down my arm and onto the floor, and I smile. Call me twisted, but I do....I'm cutting right now, and to tell you the truth, it feels so good.
Bronz will probably kill me, I don't know what Chase will do...but, I love it. It feels so good, so so good...I'll stay up and cut some more. Goodnight everyone.
~Dest
