The real thoughts of a real girl.

What is this?

Life goes on as normal no matter what mental illness you may be suffering from. Nothing stops or slows down. It continues as normal. You still have to go to school, you have deadlines, exams, chores, fights in school, family arguments, it all. Nothing stops. One of the most diffcult things is trying to get by each day as normal as everyone else and then those few days happen when you feel most weak, like you dont want to continue. You don't see the point of it anymore, you dont think of the future.

One of the hardest things is acting normal and everythings okay when in your head its all going wrong. Everything is going super fast, going crazy, driving you insane. The voices get louder, faster. Your ideas are flown around like a paper aeroplane. You cant think straight, you cant gather your thoughts. But you have to. You have to go through each day as usualy, doing what you would usualy do. Wake up, school, home, coursework, dinner, chores, shower, bed. You dont want to speak to anyone, you dont want anymore to speak to you, but they do because they dont know how your feeling insde. They dont know that mentally you are drained, that you can barley string a sentence together, that nothing makes sense.

For those few days life is hell, when you have depression and a personality disorder, its fucked up. Your head never makes sense. Your fucked up, your not normal, your odd, your different, your sick. It makes you feel lost and unwanted, like you dont belong to be with someone because your illness could make someone else sick, could make them become draine. You see the effect it has on your family. As they watch your every mood once they know your in your worst days. How they be extremely careful in what they say, how they speak to you. You see the worry in your parents eyes as you catch them staring at you. You see the confussion and you little sisters eyes as she wonders whats wrong with you. You see the helpless feeling in your older brothers eyes as he goes over in his head what he couldve done in the past to help you, to prevent this from happening,

You know and see everyday how it effects the people closest to you and it makes you feel alot worse, how your mental illness has such an effect on everyone. But this still doesnt stop your suicidal throughts, you see how everyone is greatly effected by your mind, how upset they are yet this doesnt stop you wanting to put an end to your life. At the end of the day, when your life is over then their constant worry and confusion is gone? That is true but also you know that with you gone your parents have one less child, your sister no longer has an older sister to look up to, your brother has one less baby sister to care for. You know that with you gone, saddness will then overcome them, how they may not be able to handle the frustration and pain. How your sister may then follow in your footsteps, how because of your actions she may become confused, fucked up and lost. How she may turn to self harm, how she may believe what you done was true to you, therefore she can do it too.