Her Moonchild

17

"I'm sorry Namjoon. I had an appointment earlier and it just ended," I heard her speak on the other line, Her voice was so soft but even I can clearly hint the stress and tiredness behind it.

And it makes me feel guilty, guilty that I am still trying to borrow the time that she could use to take a rest and sleep.

A long sigh escaped my lips.

"I missed you..." I whispered and I wanted to scold myself when I heard my voice cracked at the end.

And she heard it.

"I-" her voice was cut off. And the line was silent. The only thing that I hear is her irregular breathing.

It hit the nerve and I knew it.

These past few months. we've been fighting. We seldom talk with each other and sometimes, it takes us three days to get a hold with each other after.

What's worse is that we can't seem to find time to fix whatever issues that we have. Because we both don't have enough time.

"Babe..." I called for her and I heard her whimper from the other line.

"Fuck, I'm sorry Zan. I'm sorry, don't cry, please..." I whispered. But it's too late. She's already crying.

Sometimes, I hate the fact that I am not beside her. At times like this, all I want to do is pull her in my arms and hug her tightly. I hate the fact that I am RM of BTS and that I can't be with her like a normal boyfriend.

But on the other hand, it will also hurt me to leave the group, our members, performing which is something that I really really love, and our fans that had always been there to support both me and the members.

And now I'm fucking torn.

It's like I needed to choose between her and my own self.

My chest tightened at the sound of her crying and I know she was trying to stop. I can hear her trying to hold her breathing so I won't hear.

And judging from our past incidents, she liked it if I don't force her to speak.

So I let her.

I let her cry even though it's breaking me too.

"Namjoon, I'm sorry but I can't do this right now. I'll call you tomorrow. I love you," and before I can even respond, the cal ended leaving me hanging, frustrated, and hurt.

"Fuck," I whispered to myself.

Why does it feel like everything is not working out?

Why does it feel like we're breaking apart?

Why does it feels like I'm losing her?

Why?

And for the umpteenth time, I cried.

This time, alone in my room where the members won't see that their leader is started to breakdown.

Because right now, I'm not RM of BTS, but Namjoon from Ilsan.

And Kim Namjoon is not fine at all.