𝘱𝘴, 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 » 𝘻𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘺 (𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘶𝘦𝘥)

chapter thirty nine

"Thank you for listening, I really needed that." I sigh sadly.

"You know I'm here for you Harry." Zayn tells me. I hum softly, nodding my head. I sit up quickly once I had remembered something I wanted to explain to him.

"Oh, and Zayn?" I say. He hums in response. "I'm sorry that I haven't been meeting up with you. I promise that it wasn't because I wast mad at you or anything, I've just been a little stuck, I guess." I huff. Zayn sits up as well, making me suck in a breath as he seemed a lot closer to me in this position. His eyes scan over my face briefly.

"It's okay, I'm just glad it wasn't because of me." He replies with a small smile. I bite my lip harshly when he brings his hand up to stroke my cheek gently. "But I missed you."

I find myself subconsciously leaning into his touch. It was a familiar touch, one I couldn't deny that I had missed. His touches were always so gentle and patient. He hadn't changed one bit. He still had this soft side to him that he had once only showed to me. He always knew what to say to make everything better and his smooth comforting words never failed to calm me. No one else could do it the way he did it. I hated to admit it, but I had missed so many things of him. I just didn't feel the same with anyone else as I did with him. I was so tired of pretending to feel something that I didn't really feel.

"Z-Zayn?" I asked nervously. Zayn slowly drops his hand from my cheek and settles it on my mid thigh. It was like he constantly wanted to be touching me in some way. And fortunately for him, I could full well say that I didn't even mind. It was calming and it felt nice, something I couldn't deny.

"Yeah?"

"I- I think I made a huge mistake." I whisper. Zayn frowns, his concern for me growing. He begins to gently caress my inner thigh with his thumb as his eyes continue to gaze deeply into mine.

"What do you mean? What mistake?" He asks. The more I stare into his eyes, the more it starts to dawn on me. The familiar burn in the back of me eyes starts again, my ears feeling like they're heating up and my throat feels tight. I know it isn't a panic attack, it's just the strong urge to burst into a rush of tears. I didn't want to say it, I didn't want to admit it. I had already felt bad enough for everything I did and everything I caused. But I needed to, I couldn't hold it in anymore as the realization finally hit me. Zayn scoots closer to me, squeezing my thigh softly, the worry in his eyes becoming intense. My lip trembles as I release a shaky breath.

"I- I d-don't wanna be with him Zayn..." I trail off.

"Harry-"

"I don't wanna be with Liam. I- I never have. I n-never liked him, I don't like him. I don't love him, I don't t-think I ever can l-love him." I blurt out. I couldn't stop the tears from falling now. The guilt and regret were all hitting me at once, mixing in with all of the sadness and emptiness I had been feeling for so long. "But I let him believe that and now I just feel t-trapped." I say, sniffling as I bring my hands up to cover my face, letting the tears soak my palms.

"Harry, stop it. Please, I hate seeing you cry." Zayn says, pulling my hands away from my face. I look at him with teary eyes. He grabs my face, wiping away the tears settled on my cheeks. "Don't feel that way, don't ever feel bad for feeling the way you feel. That is something you can't control. You can't force yourself to like someone."

"I- I know, but it doesn't change the fact t-that I let him think that and I lead him on for all this time." I say.

Zayn's demeanor changed slightly and he frowned.