sangfroid ;;

you talked me down

full title: you talked me down from another panic attack but you're still too far and i need you

abbrv. you talked me down

i love you kaykay. 🙈🙈💞💞

i always feel the panic latching onto me, it hits in waves that pull me under and push me down and submerge me in darkness until all i can do is reach blindly for the light which is just out of my goddamned reach.

because i'm staring into the mirror and picking out all the flaws my mother had screamed at me only moments before.

and then i'm collapsed on the floor of my bedroom again - screaming to block out the shadows that tell me She hates me but She can't hate me and i'm stuck in a terrifyingly same carousel because what if She hates me - and then i'm lost for words.

and all i can do is slam small fists against my tender hip and smash my wretched skull into the bedpost until my vision goes black and i feel a thing except numbing fear and how much i love Her.

i cant get Her out my head. and i dont want to anyways because She's all i know, all i, all i, all i want.

and some nights i can feel Her hands on my body and Her lips on my neck and Her legs entwined with mine and Her heartbeat beneath my shattered skull.

but She'll be here soon so all i can do is breathe with Her until i can see colour and light and Her again.