nineteen (bang, bang sequel)

born unlucky

richard's character

tears dry on their own - amy winehouse

sour times - portishead

z.m

it was quite obvious that liam wasn't talking to me. it had been a week of liam adamantly avoiding my presence in my own apartment. i wasn't working so it wasn't as if we just kept missing each other -- he made sure that whenever he would come back from that trashy hotel where he worked as a house-keeper, i would never see him. i concluded that he saw danielle and in hope of meeting what was his, but instead came to the realization that his child was completely intangible.

i knocked on the guest room's door, growing frustrated with his silence. i knew that i had no involvement with his gloom, but selfishly, i needed to see him. i had to see his face, those sweet, brown eyes that never seemed to never change no matter the hardship he faced. those pink lips that appeased me so easily with just a smile. liam was the only person in the world who made me truly laugh, cry, and find warmth in.

see, my life had become hopelessly mundane over the year i spent to try to grow up and move on.

for the first time in my life -- i was becoming an adult. so, i followed all the rules. i was that guy who had two to three glasses of wine a night and never more, which nearly fucking killed me at first. i went to bed before midnight usually and had normal-people sex occasionally if a nameless date went well. sometimes i went to the pub and got boozy with whoever hung around, but there was never the indication of a lingering joint or tiny plastic bag hanging around in the crowd. my life was very straight and i had become the most boring, gay man that the world once knew as the most exciting and charming. i was marginally depressed and bored with myself -- but, apparently, that seemed to be a sign of maturity. that's what countless therapist have told me and i've accepted it, to an extent.

where i fail is with liam. i latch to him because he's the only being in my life that makes me feel alive. it sounds wrong, but, he's the only person in the world that i unconditionally love and completely mean it. it's something i can't control -- but i'd do just about anything for him and i think that much is obvious. if he told me to tie myself to railroad tracks and severe my body in half by an incoming train, i'd do it in a heartbeat if it meant he was happy. so, when he was clearly blue, i felt it.

i enter his room and the curtains are drawn shut, he's curled into himself in his boxers and a shirt of mine with his lithe back facing me. gradually, he began to gain his weight back and the golden color faded back into his immaculate skin. hesitantly, my voice found its place and i was asking "hey, are you doing okay?" to the boy who glared into the corner of the room he stayed in, not flinching from his resting position.

"fine." liam murmured and my worry started to engulf me heavily now. as much as i adored him, liam was a loose cannon with a soft-spoken spirit. he was naturally shy and found ease in giggling rather than speaking, but he was also quick to put up a fight when he needed to. it was the reason i was fond of him -- there were so many layers of him that i don't think he even understood them properly. see, liam wasn't the type to be kicked in the gut and just accept it -- he was perfectly capable to sock it right back to whoever deserved it. i quietly sighed and sat at the end of his bed, biting my lip and gazing at the carpet.

"what's going on, love?" i ask, nervous for his state. i didn't touch him, yet he jerked away from my words, still unable to look at me. fucking hell, what happened to him? i wasn't going to let him fly off the handles already and i had feared that this was due to his disappearance.