Forbidden (Punk Luke Hemmings)

thirty one

“I’m not leaving. You need to hear this.” she bluntly replied before continuing on with what she was previously saying.

“Dani, I know that it’s hurting you. I know that it’s painful to be thousands of miles away from the person you love, especially when you keep reminding yourself that it’s your fault. When it’s not, by the way. I know you’re suffering a little more than the rest of us, but seriously all of us are suffering too. I’ve been close with Luke since I was 12 years old and I’ve never been apart from him under circumstances like this, I can’t stand to know that he got into drugs again. And the boys, God Daniella they’re taking twice as hard as I am. Luke’s their best friend, he’s their brother, and brothers are supposed to protect each other. They all blame themselves for Luke getting into drugs again.” Suddenly she had opened my eyes so much more, everything she said was true, I was being so selfish.

“You don’t have to deal with this alone Daniella, we all need you. It’s taken a toll on all of us and for you to just distance yourself from us doesn’t make any sense at all. I know you think that the best thing for you right now is to just be with as much of him as you can, and to just push everything and everyone else away. But it’s not, by waking up every morning in his apartment and to the realisation that he’s not here is such a bad thing to do. He’s getting better for you Dans, you need to do the same for him. If he comes back and he’s so much happier, but he comes back to see you all upset and depressed, he’s going to blame himself. He’ll never forgive himself for leaving you in a world of hurt. So you need to toughen up, and do this for him. You can’t bottle up your feelings either, because one day they’ll just push you over the edge and who knows what the hell you’ll do. I’m not going to let you do this to yourself Daniella, God besides the boys you’re the closest thing I have and I’m not losing you. I’m not going to let you ruin yourself, okay? You need to move back in with your dad, or stay at my place. What about your dad, Daniella? Pushing him away is hurting him more than you probably know. All of this has hurt a lot of people, but we need to stick together and make it through.” she explained.

Never had I ever expected either her, or one of the boys to come over and say anything along those lines to me. I truly thought they were all distancing themselves from me as much as I was distancing myself from them, I thought they were blaming me for Luke being gone. But they weren’t, not at all — they were all suffering just as much as I was and it was so selfish of me to just assume that they were taking this whole thing lightly. Everyone who cares for Luke is having a hard time right now.

“You’re right… I’m so sorry that I’ve been pushing you guys away, I guess it seemed that handling the situation like this was the right thing to do, but Jesus, it was the worst possible thing I could’ve done. Every single morning that I wake up, I always get out of bed — assuming that Luke’s sleeping in like always, and I go to the kitchen, and I make bacon and eggs. That’s his favourite breakfast. Then I make myself a tea, and him a coffee. By the end of it I get a little bit worried because he usually wakes up in the middle of when I’m cooking eggs, and wraps his arms around my waist, kissing my temple from behind and thanking me for making him bacon again. But anyway, I walk into our room, say “Come on Lukey, I made you breakfast,” and he still doesn’t respond. So I hop on to the bed, and go to cuddle him a little in hopes of waking him up. But I fall right onto his side of the bed, because no one’s there. Even though I woke up knowing he didn’t fall asleep next to me, I just always think he’ll be there in the morning, and reality always comes crashing down and the feeling I get is the most painful of feelings I’ve ever had to experience. I shouldn’t be doing that to myself every morning, I need to distract myself if anything — I need to be with other people. I’m so sorry Alex, I’m so selfish I just… God I don’t know” I sighed, tears starting to run down my face.