Desire | Shawn Mendes

FORTY SEVEN

Just as I'm ready to gather myself, I catch a glimpse of my appearance in the mirror. For a moment I let out a small laugh. "God, you look so stupid crying over some boy." I step closer to the sink and turn off the running water. "Silly boy, that's all he is." I say as I wipe away the mascara smudged under my lower lashes. I take a deep breath and then turn the sink on and I splash my face several times with cold water, then pat my face dry with paper towels and fix my hair as I let it loose from the ponytail I had it briefly in.

But Shawn is not just some silly boy, Jasmine. You know that. Hell, everyone knows that. It's Shawn and Jasmine. It's us.

I pinch at my cheeks several times to stop the feeling of more tears that threatened to come. My chest heaves up and down with every breath I take and my mind runs wildly with the last few memories from these past days. Nothing will ever stop that "No," that escaped my mouth no matter how hard my mind tried to block it out. There was no cure, for the memory was embedded in me. I wonder how Shawn feels.

My phone vibrates and I look at the screen only to feel disappointment as it's just an email from work. Facing defeat, I simply grab my phone and exit the bathroom as I head back to my seat. The conductor comes around to check the tickets of the few passengers before he leaves the cart. I look out the window and see Shawn isn't there.

I pull the curtain down as the train begins to move and take out my headphones for the train ride.

- j -

I get off the train with my luggage in hand as I walk around the large terminal. As I walk around, I hear my name being called. I turn in the direction and see a man holding up a sign with my name as he looks around at people who ignore him.

"Hi." I say as I walk over to him. "I'm Jasmine Callaghan."

"Just to make sure you're the right person, where you headed?" He asks me.

"Chicago." I reply.

"Come on." He says. "He told me to start the meter as soon as I got here. Don't worry, the ride has been paid already."

I follow the driver outside and he leads me to his cab, where he places my luggage in the trunk as I get into the back seat. Then he gets in and drives off to the airport.

All I can think about is how Shawn feels led on. Did I really lead him on? Those were never my intentions, not once were they my intentions. He's hurt and I didn't mean to hurt him, and I don't know what to do or say to make him feel better. Did I give him space? Do I call him or text him when I land? Will he even pick up?

Alright, let's think of pros and cons.

Pro: if we get married...

I stop mid thought and instead just put my headphones in and listen to music. But the music doesn't seem to help me. It just makes me feel useless and numb. Here I am, making a mental list of pros and cons for the man I love. Why couldn't I have just said yes?

I wonder how Shawn feels.

- j -

The plane landed twenty minutes ago, and I sat in the back of yet another car that was just ten minutes away from my apartment. I didn't bother with texting Shawn that I had landed safely. Something told me he just knew, and something also told me not to even text him because I know he would just leave me on delivered.