Beginning in the Middle

7/24/12

3. I suppose this problem isn't mine so much as S's, but it affects me anyway. (S, if you read this, I apologize for revealing things about you to the internet, but really, I'm nearly certain it will never find its way to anyone of any importance to you, only those of importance to me: my readers and fans, if they exist.) S, my sister, has been having problems sleeping due to anxiety. Now, this time last year, I probably would've been unreasonably upset and jealous. At that time I was, understandably, completely focused on myself and my own issues, probably partially due to the fact that I was the only one focused on me. And when S's problems started, I still was kind of jealous. She was able to discuss her issues with our mom in a way that I never could, save for a few long conversations that always ended in tears. I was upset that she was getting attention for her problems while I just felt guilty for bringing mine up. I also felt a little mad that S, who was always my protector, the strong one, the leader who I could depend on for help, turned out to be just as weak as I was. I felt betrayed that she wouldn't just hold it in and act strong for me when I needed her. Which was really very unfair for me to expect from her. However, with the fading of my own symptoms, I stopped being so upset about hers. Now, everything is about to change, and I'm so scared that I'll end up resenting her again.

Wow, that was an abnormally long side track.

So, we went off to the doctor, all of these thoughts floating around my head. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, we were called back and all of the necessary vital signs were checked- blood pressure, pulse, etc. Then the doctor came in, and we talked to her about all of our problems, none of which are particularly important in this case, seeing as nothing really changed about any of them, which was only a slight disappointment. I had actually really hoped to get my skin cleared up, but I was too anxious about my anxiety to do push the issue. 

S went first, although all three of us- me, S, and our mom- were in the room. She discussed her anxiety, and the doctor made suggestions about therapy and all that. Then it was my turn, and like the weakling  I am, I started crying. Not a lot, but still. It's been a while since I cried other than that, and even longer since I've cried in front of someone. I didn't even cry last year when I was at the doctor. But this time I did, and the whole thing was uncomfortable and awkward. The whole time we were there I just felt hot and nervous and so, so uncomfortable. But we got through it.

So we left with a recommendation for a therapist. Before we left though, the nurse came to see us out, and told us about her own experience with therapy and anxiety. I thought it was very kind of her.

Originally, I was planning on waiting until after we had an appointment with the therapist to write this. Last year, the whole therapy ordeal never had any results, and I didn't want to write it down if it wouldn't happen, even though I was fairly certain our mom would follow through with it now that both S and I needed it. Obviously, that didn't happen. But there is a good reason this time. We have recently had a few money issues- our water heater broke, our freezer is acting up, our dog got really sick, and we had to  buy a bunch of new school supplies, including ridiculously overpriced calculators for our higher-level math class- and it turns out our insurance doesn't cover mental health.  Our mom really is trying to keep up, and she's told me how much she wants to help us, but she just can't right now. So I am patiently waiting for everything to settle down, and praying that I'll survive the first few weeks of school.

So that's that. I hope that was an acceptable ending to the surprise cliffhanger of my last story.

Seriously though, I am terrified of going back to school. And this is going to sound really pathetic, but the one thing that actually scares me the most is theatre. Yes, theatre. I have a rather strange relationship with that particular subject.

My biggest fear is that I'll get so uncomfortable that it will hurt my grade. I had moments last year where I wasn't sure I could get through,and now we have added responsibility as well as the complication of the very intimidating seniors. I'm so afraid that I'll end up hating it all with no way out. That class has the worst effects on my anxiety.

We'll see what happens.

On a much less upsetting note, I've discovered that my lack of depression has done wonderful things for my nerdiness. I like things so much more when I'm out of those horrid moods. This summer I've become so mush more like the person I want to be, the obsessive, nerdy, happy version of me. My new favorite fandom is BBC Sherlock. And you have no clue how good it feels to really get into a new fandom. It's been so long since I've been able to really enjoy something. So I've joined the #believeinSherlock movement, which is this brilliant campaign based on the show. It feels like being a part of something, and it's great, even if it is something fictional.

Also, you guys, I read the most heartbreaking fanfiction, and I just have to say, I really believe now that fanfiction is a legitimate art form. It's more than some silly stories written by teenage girls who wish they could marry Edward Cullen. It is brilliant and expressive and amazing. This story, which is actually very well-known in the Sherlock fandom, was just as powerful and well-written as any actual book.

If anyone was wondering, the name of this amazing fic is "Alone on the Water," and it is so sad in the best possible way. It will give you what people on tumblr call "feels". (I'm actually quite fond of this expression. It perfectly decribes what happens to me anytime I watch one of my favorite TV shows or read a really good story. Oh, Tumblr, what have you done to me?)

In addition, I watched the entire series of BBC Merlin, which was also amazing, although I can't stand Morgana. I absolutely love the bromance between Arthur and Merlin. They totally love each other in a best-friend-ever way. It's adorable.

Also, I'm just over two seasons into Doctor Who. I had previously watched a few episodes, and I wasn't expecting to like the Ninth doctor, but I actually really liked him. And I completely wasn't ready for Rose to leave at the end of season 2. I wasn't prepared, and I had to take a break in the middle of it to rant to S about it. Also, I love Captain Jack, and I am very impatiently awaiting his return. According to S, who watched Torchwood and knows all about him, the actor is totally the UK's version of Neil Patrick Harris, which is the pretty much the coolest thing ever.

I think that's about it. Not much have happened this summer. Although, I have noticed that I've gotten a lot closer to F4, F5, and F6 recently. My close friends from school haven't really been around as much. I just really hope I can stay close to these three during school, even though we won't have any of the same classes. I've also been spending a lot of time with my Freshman Buddies who are no longer freshmen. I've realized just how lucky we are that we just happened to talk to them on the bus the first day of school last year. I don't know what I would've done without them.

I guess I'll end it with a nice little anecdote. So our water heater broke a few days ago. Our mom noticed it was leaking, so she asked our neighbor, who has more experience with that stuff, to come over to turn it off and make sure there wasn't a gas leak. Now, we aren't that close to our neighbors; all of us tend to keep to ourselves. But our neighbor actually offered to help us replace it so we wouldn't have to call someone to get it done and wait longer. Then he spent two hours tonight in the heat fixing it for us. It was such a nice thing to do. It makes me think that maybe I've been too harsh about judging everyone, and maybe I should have a little more faith in humanity. It's something to keep in mind when school comes back.

Thank you all so much for letting me release my emotional baggage here. It's nice knowing that I can show every sde of myself here in a way that I never could in real life. I feel so much less restless now that I've gotten it all out. Sometimes I start to feel like I'm trapped inside my own skin, inside my own life, and this is always the best cure.

Thank you all for reading!

Goodbye, my dear readers.

"I know there's something wrong within my faulty brain; I lack the proper behavior. My temper-addled tongue can't seem to force it out, the words that linger inside me." Circuits and Wires, Motion City Soundtrack. I discovered recently that this band had a new album, and I love it. I feel like this song is so perfect for me. Also, it's by the same band as the quote on the first chapter, and I like that crazy random happenstance.