Unread Emails

/ I \

Dearest Nico,

I miss you so much. I want to be with you again, so badly, but I don't know what to do or think anymore. If you truly loved me... why would you get together with him  so soon after we broke up? Was I not good enough? Were you already crushing on him while we were together? 

Was he better than me?

We were young back then. We were inexperienced. Both of us just wanted to feel love from someone other than our siblings or friends. We wanted to feel needed... so we went and found a boyfriend in each other. I frequently wonder if what we had was real; then I remember what I felt like when I was with you. I remember feeling the warmth that came along with you, the amazement that I felt when I looked at you. It was like I was on top of the world. You looked like an exotic god or an angel, all black hair and pale skin and warm chestnut eyes. Honestly, I could have looked at you all day. But instead, we broke apart. I couldn't deal with it, so I blamed it all on "commitment issues". 

I miss us. I miss the feeling of being cared for, of being loved by someone and appreciated. And I look back upon all those pictures that I took and the screenshots of all our text messages (I've long since deleted your number- it's been too painful), just reveling in the security that you brought with you. I miss your tiny smiles, and our inside jokes, and all the shared glances that passed between us. I miss the slight furrow of your eyebrows and the way that you used to jump on me with happiness when I came back to you after being gone a long time.  I miss you so fucking much, Nico. When will my little ghost king come back to me?

I'm ready now, Neeks. I want you. I want to be with you. I want to be yours.

Do you want to be mine?

-Will Solace, "Sunshine"