vienna's journal

23- maybe

i decided i wasn't going to tell bec how my brain had just tried to convince me that she hates me. i didn't think i could handle asking her if she hated me. there was still a small part of my brain that was telling me it was the truth. I tried my best to block it out.

"why'd you start talking to me?" i asked quietly, hands shaking as i wrapped the blanket around my shoulders.

"i saw how you reacted when you lost your journal and i wanted to help you find it, and i just happened to end up thinking you were a cool person."

"you were incorrect in thinking that." i smiled at her.

"oh shut up." bec teased, yawning with her mouth stretched wide open.

"go to sleep if you're so tired." i grinned at her, finding myself studying her stupidly pretty face.

"maybe i will!" she said in a mock tough guy voice, arms outstretched and chest puffed out, "come at me bro."

"get some rest bro." I said in the same douchebag-esque voice she had used. her mouth stretched out into a wide smile that made my stomach spawn butterflies.

"okay for real, i need to sleep." she gave me one last smile and rolled over to sleep.

i told her goodnight, mindlessly scrolled through tumblr and i found myself completely zoned out until i heard her snoring quietly.

i snorted and turned to look at her. i silently thanked every person who had contributed to making this absolutely amazing person.

she's my friend. that means she likes me. she wouldn't have invited me here if she didn't want me here.

i wondered to myself if she thinks things like this.

probably not. i replied to myself.

does she like me as much as i like her?

probably not.

i sighed to myself, pulling the blanket that had been sitting on my shoulders over my head. i turned my phone off and everything went dark.
i couldn't see anything in the pitch black darkness in the room, not an ominous shadow of a stuffed animal or anything.

i blinked as my eyes started adjusting better. i stared up into the dark void of the ceiling and wonders how i had ended up here.

i have a friend, a friend who wants to spend time with me. i've had andrew and ryan, and they love me and i love them, it's just that it's been a long time since somebody new had came into my life.

other people have tried, sure. when i first moved here, everybody wanted to be my friend. it didn't have anything to do with my personality, just the fact that i was new and unfamiliar.

some people made it their goal to make friends with me. it made me uncomfortable being an thing which people brought attention to. i wasn't really a person to many of those people, just an object that was new to them. people would sit next to me, and i would shrug them off, salty about the fact that i was carrying a journal full of hard work from years at my old school, only to have to start fresh with all these stupid people.

then this happy-go-lucky, glasses-wearing idiot came and refused to give up. no matter what i did, he'd still be there the next day. he invited me to sit at his lunch table and i didn't want to turn it down because i was actually a bit sick of eating lunch in the far corner of the cafeteria.

i flat out told him that i didn't want to make friends at some point. he just shot me this skeptical look and shoved his lunch into his mouth, narrowing his eyes.

i snorted a little and his eyes lit up, and that was the moment i decided that he wasn't too bad. in the days following that i spent more time with him and his sort-of boyfriend andrew.

andrew didn't really talk to me for awhile, but we operated under a mutual understanding that ryan was great. i could tell he was a bit jealous of the time i was spending with ryan, but after a few months andrew had become my friend too.

i had never had a friend group like that before i moved here, and it felt awesome. i had people who i could laugh and talk with anytime they were around, and it was life changing.

And bec had become a part of it. i wondered if she felt the same way i had when i had became friends with them. i wondered if she felt relieved like i had.

granted her situation was different from mine. she had lived here all her life, but she just worked hard and didn't really have time for her friends.

maybe she hadn't always been like that, maybe that was a new development. maybe when she was younger she would play with other kids. maybe as school got more serious and she matured, she made the decision to focus on school.

maybe.

or maybe i can just ask.

with that, my eyes drifted shut.