Horizon

[10]

HORIZON
ten | depression to a frisbee

         "I'M HOME!" SAVANNAH YELLED THE second the front door swung open. With her arms wide open, she rushed into the home to find her mother. She was so happy that she didn't stop to greet Leo who was following her as his tail wagged rapidly with excitement.

          Rachel, her mother, jumped at the words, ran from her bedroom into the kitchen where Savannah stood. Also with her arms open wide, she brought her daughter into a tight hug. The Alana was very close so whenever one of them left for even a day, they would miss each other like they've been separated for years. "Oh, my sweet girl, how was the parade?"

          "It was great, so damn great. It was the best day of my life. I felt so free there," she answered truthfully, hugging her mother back tightly, "I danced, sung, and god, it was just the best time."

          "Fanny told me that you were out practically all day. Did you fall asleep right when you arrived at the hotel?" Rachel asked, pulling away and kissing the top of Savannah's head softly.

          "Not exactly..."

          "What does that mean?"

          "Carson and I went swimming after everyone fell asleep," Savannah admitted, heat rushing to her cheeks as the words left her lips, "and...we kissed."

            "You had your first kiss?! Sav, that's amazing! How was it? Did Carson force you? Did you force her?" With eyes the size of baseballs, Rachel sat on the stool that sat underneath the island. Whenever she sat there, she was ready to gossip.

          "It was...perfect. We almost kissed earlier that day and I'm pretty sure she led me to the pool just to seduce me but I don't care. It made a perfect day even better."

          For what seemed like hours, Savannah made it to her bedroom. As much as she loved her mother, that woman sure loved to get in her personal space. From stories told by Rachel's friends from high school and her parents, she was one of the biggest gossips in school. It wasn't her fault, she was just terrible at keeping secrets. Apparently, she accidentally revealed one of her best friend's pregnancies to everyone.

          Somehow, she managed to keep her daughter's massive secret from their family until Savannah came out. That had been the only classified information she was able to keep. Unfortunately, Rachel was capable of holding the big news of Savannah's first kiss for an hour. She blurted it out while they were watching their weekly television program. 

          While laying in bed that night, Savannah realized that she hadn't written in her journal in a few days. Usually, she wrote in it every night before falling asleep to let her negative thoughts escape her mind. Because of that, she decided to discuss all the good things that have been happening in her life.

          Reading past entries placed a heavy weight on her heart. Most of the pages were covered with empty emotions, dried tears, and asking why she was alive. If these writings belonged to another person, she would think they needed serious help. But, she had help. No matter how much help she received, depression would always sneak up on her.

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          What she desperately desired to talk about tried to crawl out of her throat while in a therapy session with Miss Kelley. Although they were rather close, Savannah repeatedly felt uncomfortable bringing up a subject that ate her spirit up like a dog trying to reach a toy underneath the couch. If Miss Kelley didn't ask, Savannah didn't tell. But, today was different.

          "I had my first kiss the other day," she blurted out after a short silence, "it was after the pride parade."

           "Really? That's great; I remember us talking about how you wanted it to happen before the end of the year," Miss Kelley mentioned, sounding happily surprised, "you don't seem too happy for someone who had their first kiss with their crush."

          "It was perfect," she said. "I was re-reading my journal last night and I realized how messed up I was and how I will be for the rest of my life. Whenever I feel my best, depression is right around the corner to trap me. I can't be in a relationship with someone when I'm already in one with depression."

          "I love how you worded that. But, one of my patients compared depression to a frisbee; you can throw it but it will always come back. A lot of the time, you don't even see it coming but that doesn't mean you can't catch it before it slams you down."

          "Why can't it just not come back at all?" Savannah cried, tears filling her eyes. "It's like a million people are sitting on my chest, each person is an issue or a negative thought. I just want it to stop."

          "I know, I know," Miss Kelley as she handed a tissue to her patient, "the only thing you can do is to fight what it's telling you. You're strong enough to push someone off. You may need help sometimes and you can use your coping skills when you don't want to talk about it. Does Carson know about your depression and anxiety?"

          "Yeah, I told her when I had an episode while we were hanging out."

          "What did she say?"

          "She said, 'don't be sorry for feeling; you can't control how you feel'. Then she terribly drew the horizon on my wrist as something to replace cutting myself."

          "That sounds like someone who wouldn't mind being there for you when you need it. A lot of people end relationships because of a partner having depression. It puts a lot of pressure on them. That's why when someone stays, it makes it special. Have you tried her technique?"

          "No, I haven't needed to in a while."

          "Have you had any episodes around her?"

          "Yeah. Just one anxiety episode at the parade. She wanted me to dance with her and I felt anxious being so close to so many people. She noticed and offered to sit down with me and talk it out. I told her no and we continued to dance."

          "Do you regret staying and dancing?"

          "No. Everything about that day was perfect."

          "Carson clearly cares about you and your mental health. As far as I'm concerned, she checks off every box. She puts you out of your comfort zone but still asks if it's too much. Not everyone has someone like that. Hold onto her."

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I'm sorry this was so short, I was going to add more but I wanted the chapter to stay revolved around depression and relationships. Next chapter will have Carson and Savannah shit.