Hooligan | Dazai Osamu

Love Of A Hooligan

All I want is to look at the vast
Of your gold-brown eyes, and, - oh, bother! -
How I wish that, disliking your past,
You would not like to go to another!

But luckily, life decided everything itself.

One day, (Y/N) and I had to hide under the awning of one of the parks near some shrine because of the rain since neither of us had an umbrella. As usually, (Y/N) and I started to talk about all the things in the world and somehow, we started talking about our love experience. I was never trying to hide anything from her because she simply saw through me whenever I was lying and so, I told her the honest truth and so did she. It turned out, that she never had a boyfriend before, what surprised me, to say the least.

I was just about to change the theme of the conversation because I thought, that she might be sad or embarrassed to talk about such things, when suddenly, she said, that she can bet, I'm a good kisser. I looked at her blankly after that, trying to understand what was she leading to, but eventually, I told her, that I was sure, she would be a good kisser too.

After that, she walked closer to me and sat on the bench, I was sitting on, and leaned her head on my shoulder, while still looking me in the eyes. I remember, how quietly she asked me that question: "Does kissing feel good?". I blushed slightly after that as my mouth fell wide open because of her breath, fanning over my skin, what was sending shivers down my spine. That was when, I didn't resist and told her, that I can show her what it's like to kiss right in that very moment and to my shock, she agreed. (A/N: who wants a one shot fully about this moment?)

Gentle step, graceful waist that you have!
Oh if only you were able to tumble
How a bully can really love,
And how he can be timid and humble!

Her lips tasted sweeter, than any nectar. As she moved them clumsily in sync with mine, I could feel my knees getting weak because of all the fireworks, that were exploding in my head. Even if she was completely inexperienced in kissing, she was still being very gentle with me. Her lips moved slowly and tenderly and her arms cupped my cheeks so carefully as if she could hurt me.

In the moment, I suddenly got a little bit embarrassed of myself. I was worried because of how truly rough and not used to being careful I actually was. I knew how to cause someone pain or how to touch women in a sexual way, but never in my life did I get a chance to simply kiss someone and hold then closely because I loved them. I suddenly realized how actually rough and calloused my hands were. I wanted to only give (Y/N) the best and the most gentle things I could ever get out of myself, but this was harder, than I thought.

As if I turned into a fifteen year old clumsy teenager, I shyly and slowly rested my hands on her waist, being afraid of accidentally hurting her, but after she moved closer to me, I relaxed a bit more.

All those pubs I would never attend,
And my poems would all be forgotten,
If you let me take hold of your hand
And your hair, the colour of autumn.

Ever since that moment, (Y/N) became an integral part of my life. I could never imagine myself without her anymore as if putting "Dazai" in the sentence without "(Y/N)" next to it was a horrible grammatical mistake. Love also turned out to not be as scary as I thought it would be, especially, when you have someone whom you dearly trust by your side. Moreover, love and (Y/N) made a normal kind man out of me. I stopped thinking about suicide, I refused to drink alcohol because I didn't want to get completely drunk like I did, when I just left the mafia, and of course, I stopped paying any attention to other women.

I was just becoming a human**.

I would follow you  ever, my dove,
Be it distant or close destination...
For the first time I'm singing of love,
For the first time I give up contention.

Of course, I will forever stay a hooligan. I will always be a troublemaker, I will always be messy and chaotic, I will always turn everything upside down because all hooligans have that burning fire inside of them, that needs to be used for something. It can be used for crimes, to have fun, to fool around or to simply cause troubles.

But the most magical thing happens when there comes someone, who manages to make that fire burn for love. Love of a hooligan is the most beautiful and colorful love, that one can ever have.

And now, I give (Y/N) this love every day because the smile on her face is the dearest thing in my life.

~~~

Don't forget to vote or comment c:

Azure Flames or Azure space* is a poem by Sergei Esenin
"I was just becoming a human"** is kinda a reference to Dazai Osamu's No Longer Human in which, he described how horrible his life was to the point, where he didn't feel like a human anymore. It's like irony bc in this one shot, he starts to feel like a human on the opposite

Also, author-chan cut her hair rlly rlly short and now I can't get used to it XD

Here's me now and a face reveal btw