How Boys Speak

Dean Speaks: My Ex is a Douchebag

Dean: Hello! Is this John?

John: Yeah, speaking.

Dean: My name is Marius. I'm calling about your ad. I understand you want a flat, do you not?

John: Yes, I do.

Dean: Well I have a huge one by ****** road, right off the sport's field road.

John: Oh that's good! What are the specs?

Dean: The apartment is about 20mx20m in total and I'd say about 2500 a month?

John: That's not bad at all! How many rooms?

Dean: Two rooms. There's a 6x20 kitchen and then the other room covers the rest of it.

John: So the other room is 14x20m?

Dean: Yes but there's a pool in it.

John: What?

Dean: There's a 13x19m pool in it. (Basically, the pool covers the whole room.)

John: There's a pool in your apartment? What about a bathroom or a bedroom?

Dean: Just a pool and a kitchen.

John: Well where the f*ck am I supposed to sleep?

Dean: Well that's where it gets good! I bought one of those inflatable whales from Teddies R Us and basically if you put its' fin in between your legs you can sleep like a baby!

John: You f*cking expect me to sleep in a pool? What about going to the bathroom?

Dean: Well the kitchen has a sink. You can piss in the sink

John: Are you f*cking mental? You honestly expect me to piss in a sink and then wash my dishes in it?

Dean: We have a dishwasher.

John: Oh

Dean: His name is Pablo. He lives under the kitchen table, you just call him out whenever you have a dirty plate.

John: What the f*ck is the matter would you! You can't keep a PERSON under a f*cking table.

Dean: You don't like Pablo the dish washer?

John: Are you actually being serious right now?

Dean: Now if you want to do number 2, that's a bit tricky. You can poop in a garbage bag and just drop it out the window. Since the building is 8 stories high, by the time the bag of $hit reaches the ground, nobody will even know that you threw it.

John: Are you f*cking crazy? Do you actually have people who lived there?

Dean: You'd be my third client.

John: This is unbelievable.

Dean: Also when the neighbor flushes the toilet, the plumbing system is f*cked up. So if you hear a flush, the neighbor usually shouts "BOMBS AWAY"

John: What?

Dean: Then you must escort yourself to the centre of the swimming pool. This is the only area where the shit won't seep through the ceiling and land on your head.

John: Do you have a person living there right now? This is unethical.

Dean: Yes, Herlich from Germany was my first client. I think her and Pablo had a thing and she gave birth to a baby and they gave the baby to the Russians.

John:  Why?

Dean: Why what?

John: Why did they give the baby to the Russians?

Dean: In the Days of our Lives they did that once.

John: WHAT?

Dean: Anyway-

John: You can't just hand over babies to Russians because that's what a TV soap does.

Dean: ANYWAY, Wukumangi was the second client he was from Kenya. Good lad, except he was too tall and his head had to touch the ceiling so he had to constantly crouch.

John: What? How tall was he?

Dean: Wukumangi is about 5'5.

John: That's not even f*cking tall you dumb shit.

Dean: It is.

John: I'm 5'10, I'd be f*cking crawling my way through your apartment.

Dean: Like Wukumangi.

John: So you telling me that the wakawaka guy did that?

Dean: What?

John: The waka guy who was f*cking 5'5 had to crouch and if he didn't not only would his head hit the ceiling but BUT there's also $hit which seeped through the ceiling as well.

Dean: That's only if you aren't in the centre of the pool.

John: F*ck you, you call again and I'll notify the police about this! This is pathetic!

*Dead Line*

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Lol, hope it was good.

Don't forget to vote/comment/fan. Yes, it is a competition and I'm winning so far! I have the most votes the last time I counted! Keep me at the top!!

Dean :)