Desiring Her

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 6

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER pain. Berry woke up feeling nothing. Wala namang bago do'n. It's not the first time that she wanted to end her existence. This wasn't the first time that she thought of death early in the morning.

In two years that she'd been out from that basement, the thought about being dead never left her mind. Hours and days may passed, but the thought of ending her life never changed.

It was the only thing that made her sane. That, and pain. Lots and lots of pain to survive a day. Minsan, tinatanong niya ang sarili kung masokista ba siya at tulad ng mga nauna niyang tanong sa sarili, wala iyong naging kasagutan.

Sanay siyang nasasaktan. Sanay siyang iyon palagi ang nararamdaman. Pain has always been with her since she was four years old. Pain and tears, her companion in her everyday hellish life.

Her void existence always made her question herself again and again. Why am I still alive?As usual. No answer. Just silence. Long and painful silence.

The idea of dying has never been this inviting. She can already feel death as she stared at the ceiling. Gustong-gusto na niyang mamatay, pero sa tuwing sinasaktan niya ang sarili niya, hindi siya nagtatagumpay. She doesn't know why, but she can't seem to kill herself.

Hindi gumalaw si Berry sa kinahihigaan kahit nang pumasok si Clara sa kwarto para linisin ang sugat niya. Clara's hands are callous and uncaring, but she doesn't mind. She likes the pain. It comforted her. It calmed her somehow.

Habang nakahiga, bumaling ang ulo niya paharap kay Clara. "Pwede ko bang hiramin ang gunting mo?" she asked politely with a low voice.

Tumango si Clara saka iniwan ang gunting sa ibabaw ng kama niya at lumabas na ito ng kwarto niya.

Walang buhay siyang bumangon sa kama at pumasok sa banyo habang dala-dala ang gunting na hiniram kay Clara. Sigurado ang bawat galaw niya. Lumapit siya sa bathtub saka umupo siya doon habang unti-unti iyong napupuno ng malamig na tubig.

When the water filled the tub, it was overflowing, but she didn't make a move to stop the water from spreading into the tile floor. She just submerged herself and remained underwater until she couldn't breathe anymore and until her strength was fading away because of the lack of oxygen.

Habol ni Berry ang sariling hininga ng umahon at isinandal ang katawan sa gilid ng bathtub. She was gasping for air and she liked the pain in her chest and lungs. It calmed her.

Ilang beses siyang huminga ng malalim bago bumalik sa normal ang paghinga niya.

Kapagkuwan ay pinagmasdan niya ang gunting na hawak bago iyon ibinuka at ibinaon ang dulo niyon, ang pinakamatalim na bahagi sa braso niya.

Napasinghap siya saka napapikit at kaagad na kumalma nang maramdaman niya ang sakit at pamamanhid sa braso niya. Mas lalo pa niyang ibinaon ang dulo ng gunting hanggang sa mabitawan niya iyon dahil sa panghihina.

The pain and the blood comforted her and she was addicted to the feeling of tranquility it gave her. It was peaceful. It was quiet. She liked it.

Then she heard a voice of a little angel.

"Mommy? Mommy?"

Kaagad siyang bumalik sa kasalukuyan at napabaling sa nakabukas na pinto ng banyo at bumalik ang tingin sa bathtub na nagkulay pula na ang tubig dahil sa dugo niya.

No...that little kid can't see her like this. She doesn't want to corrupt her innocence like what those people did to her!

Kahit nanghihina, pinilit niyang umalis ng bathtub habang gumigewang na naglakad patungo sa pinto ng banyo at mabilis na isinara iyon at ini-lock saka napaatras hanggang sa tumama ang likod niya sa lababo.