'Suck my Wiggly Dick!' - Hieronymus the Liar in the Edranari Empire

5th Firewane (Week 1) - Giant Ground Sloth

Mr. Shimmerscale, a serious but efficient lizard-folk-man, seems to be in charge of the job I did in escorting those useless Biologists around. I would be annoyed by the lack of anything interesting, though he does have a beautiful taste in clothing... who is his tailor? I must find out.

Artor Arken (who has a magical mithril sword) requests our presence. By 'our,' I mean, 'everyone including me who was on that airship back to Khora.' Kenneth the Dwarf Cleric (his real name is something long, I forgot it), Sleaz Y. B. Astard the Halfling Bard (hah) and Xanaphia the Drow Rogue. I hardly know them, but am curious enough by the man's status to agree to visit. It's about time I was recognised. There is a great bridge over the river we cross in the car. Everyone else has a drink of champagne, I decide not to. We soon come to places I recognise... I haven't been here since I was a Queltic, and that was years ago.

The throne holds Arken, blond hair, blue eyes, early 30s. Along with the mithril sword he has a wand of pure silver. Oh, the magics he might do with that thing.

He has a task for us group of strangers: a group in the city. The Hand of the Dark Prince. Disruption and anarchy... sounds like my weekends, only more destructive. Anyhow, Arken wants them dealt with for himself. Must want the peace. We are allowed to stay in his estate and the rooms are delightful, exactly what I left behind in the Quelthic house all those years ago... but much better. I pocket a crystal ashtray, because it's the done thing to do.

x Demons x Blood sacrifice x Assassination x Pillars, secrets, murder x Dwarf merchant in the pillars (30, drained of blood, hand symbol and spider drawn on the wall in blood, the current theory is, this group needs magical blood), talk to Shimmerscale x 500 gold upon completion.

There is a brothel in the city of course, next to, of course, the cathedral of Kasir – Kasir is my God, the Trickster God, the Debauchery God, the Fun God. I gift him the ashtray. I perhaps do not follow him as closely as those who serve in the cathedral, but if I did I'd get bored. Anyway, the brothel is called "the Velvet Room."

I found a charming Tiefling prostitute called Sharafis – not a family member – I was a bit drunk though. I feel slightly... out of sorts with myself, hiring a prostitute like that, what am I, a common yeoman?! I know I had a meal of some description... but other than that, I am down 65 gold. Somehow. I also know Kenneth also hired a prostitute, because he went off before me. Sleaz just spent his time blowing his sax, instead of using a brothel for what it's meant for. Xanaphia stayed with Sleaz I believe, though I can't be sure...

Next day – to forget the bad decisions of the prior night – research is done. Or something. I can't really recall, I'm still a bit sick. Before I know it, I am sent off with Kenneth to the Pillars, because that's where Dwarves live. Best to send a Dwarf off to do a Dwarf's business... and send the Tiefling with him because where else is the Tiefling going to go? Sleaz and Xanaphia split from us and off Kenneth and I go to the pillars.

We meet a very unkind and unhappy Chief of Police who does not like talking to us. He keeps going on about needing paperwork to prove who we are. We say we can easily get some from Lord Arken but he says that it'd take an hour or so and we'd have to pay him... something like 50 gold in order for him to send off for it. Seeing that my purse is already 65 gold emptier, I decide "fuck this," and cast Charm Person on him. He happily sends us on our way with documentation from him so we can go and investigate the killed Dwarf. I make a mental note to accuse the Chief of something when he is no longer charmed.

Crime scene: Shards of bone from rib cage – not Dwarvern blood on the wall making out the hand pattern. The Dwarf's shrine (a shrine to Gods in general) has been defiled. Papers on the other members of the organisation – it's a mining organisation, the Torran Mining company, specialises in markite mining – are missing. Also missing, the contract of the last job the mining company undertook is gone.

We ask the Captain on duty what she saw. She tells us where the nearest member of the mining company is, who we can speak to for leads.

We return to the Chief of Police's place for access to the body of the Dwarf. His torso has been torn open – I will get his blood on my suit at this rate! – and he may have been alive when he was killed. But what was it torn open by? Kenneth says it was a rhino. Ridiculous. It was obviously a giant ground sloth. Kenneth is a fool.

•••

Writing this from prison – we got arrested after the Chief of Police walked in on us in with the body. He realised I'd charmed him and we were arrested... Kenneth is in here with me. It's tremendously embarrassing, but also ungodly funny. Brilliant.