dear maya

six

Dear Penelope,
God I've written this letter at least a thousand times. And every single time I do, I crumple up the paper and throw it away. But you know what they say: a thousand and ones a charm!'

I smiled a little, at the thought of him writing me a letter.

'-I hope that made you smile. Because god knows how much you make me smile. It's hard to write words when I'm not sure how to express myself. I don't know how to start this, I don't know how you'll react once you read this but if I don't do it now, I'll never do it, so here I go-'

As I continued to read, my whole body got goosebumps and slowly, my brain began realizing what this letter could be.

'You are the greatest person I have ever met and I thank God everyday for putting you in my life. Your friendship is my greatest accomplishment and I love you more than words could ever describe-'

I began tearing up in the middle of his floor, the box in between my crossed legs, one hand holding the letter, the other covering my mouth.

'I guess I kind of always knew I loved you. It wasn't until I recently realized that I loved you more than what you saw me as: as a friend. As a best friend. You always told me I was your soulmate. That we were meant to be in eachother lives and I believed that with every inch of me. You are my soulmate Penelope. It was during your sixteenth birthday dinner when your father couldn't make it that I realized that I wanted to be with you-'

My face turned into a slight frown at the memory of that day. My father had promised that he'd be there for me but instead he sent some flowers and a lousy apology explaining that his girlfriend needed him more.

That night my mother, Zay and I sat in silence as I silently cried, pushing the food on my plate around, no longer hungry.

He stayed over that night, comforting me, knowing that all I ever wanted was for my father to be there for me. That day he promised me that he'd never put anyone above me, that he'd never leave me.

'You cried so much that day, you wouldn't even eat. I had never seen you cry so much and seeing you do so only made me realize that someone as special as you doesn't deserve to feel that way. You deserved to be happy at all times and I wanted to bring you that happiness, always-'

'You were so good at that, Zay,' I whispered to myself as a tear fell from my face, 'you were the only ray of sunshine that I had in my life.'

'I never knew how to tell you that I was in love with you. I tried once but I got so nervous I chickened out. But you can't chicken out in a letter! ... Oh god I'm so nervous O, you have no idea.'

Zay was in love with me, I thought to myself as I looked around his room. I looked at the bed that him and I slept together in most nights. I looked at all the pictures of us, splattered across his wall.

I had never truly seen Zay as anything more than just my best friend. I always imagined him being by my side at my wedding, not in front of me.

My heart ached even more knowing that I would never be able to see if I could, one day, feel the same way.

'Maya Penelope Hart, I am in love with you. I could go on and on about the things that I love about you. How your smile warms my heart, how your laugh is music to my ears. How I love the way you crinkle your nose when you're lying. I'm in love with that small freckle next to your eye that looks like a small heart. I'm in love with the confidence you have in yourself, I'm in love with your stupid jokes that only you think are funny'.

I wiped a tear off of my face and closed my eyes, shutting them as tight as I could, tears continuing to fall.

I hoped that once I opened my eyes, I'd see him right next to me, showing me some stupid meme he had found on twitter.

I opened my eyes slowly, praying that this was all a dream.

Once they were completely open, I looked around and saw his room, full of all his things but lacking him.

'Sometimes I have to stop myself from grabbing your face and just smashing my lips on yours, to feel the softness of your lips on mine. Ok but look, even if you weren't to feel the same way now, I wouldn't mind because I would wait for you for an eternity. I'm writing this to you because you deserve to hear this. You need to know that you deserve only the best. Because that's what you are, the best.'

I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe any of this. My best friend who is now dead was in love with me and never told me.

'I treasure our friendship more than anything and I hope that this piece of paper doesn't affect anything between the two of us. I want you to know that, once I give this to you, this doesn't mean you have to feel the same way. Not at all. I guess this is also a small little: 'you're my best friend and I love you, thanks for putting up with all my bs' type of letter too.

I chuckled a little, remembering all the times he got black out drunk and had to sleep at my house because if he didn't his mom would kill him.

That Zay was a pain in the ass.

But he was my pain in the ass and I loved him for that.

You're the coolest cat in all the block and thanks for always letting me sleepover when I drink too much. Remember that time we smoked weed for the first (and only time) on your seventeenth birthday last year and you thought your thumb was missing and you cried for thirty whole minutes?

I smiled at the thought, glad that I still had that of him. I still had memories to remind me just how amazing my life was with him in it.

The greatest times of my life always include you and I'm glad that it's always you by my side, sunshine. You are my forever soulmate. Baby Zay loves you to infinity and beyond Penelope. Till death do us part... and if there's life after that, then I'll continue to love you the exact same way. Maybe even more. I cant wait to give this to you and see how far we'll grow after. I love you Maya. Always have, always will.

With all my love,
(you're absolute FAVE)

Zay Babineaux.
(lmao see you in a few)

By the time I was finished with his letter, I had finally stopped crying. I was overwhelmed by his confession but in a way, I was glad I had found these pieces of him. I put the finished letter down and counted the rest of the papers in the box: 167 letters, some completed, some halfway done.

I sniffled a little and smiled.

'I'm gonna be okay.' I said to myself as I grabbed the box full of letters and cradled them to my chest.

Not only did I have some of his clothes and pictures of him, I had letters that came straight from his heart. A box full of him.

After I cleaned out more of his things, I grabbed the box and letters and some of his sweaters and shirts, got in my car and drove off to the nearest tattoo parlor, feeling inspired.

~

the next one is the last one!!

all the love,

-s.xx