dear maya

five

He passed away the next day while I was at home with my mom.

The pain I was feeling was unbearable and absolutely indescribable. It was something I had never felt before and something I never wanted to feel again. I felt nothing yet everything at the same time, there was this piece of me that felt missing. My heart no longer felt complete.

A couple of days after he died, I would check my phone hoping to see a text from him, letting me know he was coming over with a movie and ice cream.

I felt like I had nobody anymore.

I cried myself to sleep most of the nights, wrapping myself around anything that I had of his, yearning the warmth of his body next to mine as I slept.

Two weeks later, after his funeral, his mom called me over to her house to help her sort through his things.

'Hi Maya, I've been thinking and I.. I think its time to look through Zay's things and maybe give some of his clothes to charity. Would you mind... would you mind coming over and doing it for me sweetie?' She asked me in between sobs.

I wasn't sure if I was mentally stable enough to do go and look through his things, to be in his room again but I knew that she needed me more so I went.

She was an absolute mess when I saw her. She was in a bathrobe and her usual, silky, curly hair was in a messy bun. Her eyes were puffy and she had one sock on.

I gave her a big hug and kissed her cheek, trying my hardest not to cry.

We walked to his room as she explained to me that I was allowed to have anything that I wanted, I was allowed to look through anything and everything.

'I'll be in the kitchen making some sandwiches for lunch, okay Maya?' She said to me. I nodded my head as she stepped out the room, leaving me alone.

I began looking through his closet, grabbing any type of sweater and placing them on the ground, making my own little pile of clothes that I wanted to take home.

I carefully took a hoodie off of the hanger and placed it on the ground, until suddenly I was ripping them off the hangers and throwing them on the ground, crying as softly as I could, hoping his mom wouldn't hear me.

And before I knew it, his closet was completely empty and I was sitting in the middle of it, my head against the cold, white wall, staring up at the ceiling as I shook my head in disbelief that this was real life.

But as I stared, a thick brown piece of paper, coming from the wall, caught my eye. I looked at it, wondering what it could be.

I knew his room inside and out, all his 'secret' hiding places and I knew for a fact that, that was definitely not one of them.

I stood up and tried pulling it, making the ceiling lift. I flinched at the movement and then realized that if I lifted it, I could take whatever it was, out.

I stood on my toes as well as I could and lifted the loose board and pulled out what I thought had been a piece of brown paper.

As I pulled it out, a small cardboard box came crashing down from the ceiling.

In it came flying a bunch of crumpled up papers. I sat down once again, picking the papers and putting them back in the brown box.

I wasn't sure if I should read them but as I put them back, two little words written on every single paper caught my eye:

Dear Maya ,

I looked through each paper, each one starting with: Dear Maya,

I furrowed my brows at those words and grabbed one of the many papers, smoothing it out and beginning to read it.

~

whatdaya think?
i'm not very good at describing emotions. i'm not really good at describing at all tbh so sorry about that lolz.

all the love,

-s.xx