seahorses and crabs

Realizing

Kankri's pov

More and more hours passed as we waited for Karkat to wake up. Soon everyone had places to go, things to do. my father thanked them for coming and for their concern, and let them go, saying he'll call if anything else happens. Nearly everyone left except the Ampora's, which I'm thankful for. Dualscar had made it clear that he and his sons weren't going anywhere because 

"no one should have to go through what you are alone"

Pretty soon it had gotten into the early hours of the night. I had found out that the hospital had little books on how to help people out of depressive of traumatic experiences and i decided to read it. I don't know why, maybe it was my curiosity, maybe it was my own experiences that i wanted to know how to treat, or maybe (and perhaps the most logical) fact was that once Karkat woke up... I wanted to truly be there for him. To understand fully what might be going on inside his head, I was determined not to let him get to this low of a point ever again. I couldn't. I refuse. 

During my reading I had noticed that Cronus got up and walked to the coffee machine, in all the years that I've known him, not once have I seen him ever drink coffee. First time for everything I assume, perhaps he simply didn't drink it often but really needed a cup right now. It was understandable, what wasn't was why he had two cups, was he getting some for his father? maybe Eridan, he certainly looked like he needed some and he hadn't left Karkats side since we all left the room. I decided it was none of my business and continued with my reading, who the other cup was for didn't matter. As I resume my place of reading I hear a light tap of something being put down on the table in-front of me. I glance over the edge of the book and see the other cup of coffee. surprised I look up at Cronus, who was returning to his seat next to my dad and sipping his own cup. I look back at the cup that was in front of me and notice that he had written 

"Little Kanny"

I smile slightly, I hadn't been called that in years, since I was 2 and a half sweeps in-fact. It was the first nickname I had gotten of Cronus. Memories started to flood through my mind as I stare at the writing, one in particular making me smile wide. 

I was about 5 or 6 sweeps old, really starting to stress about triggering people and how others should conduct themselves. This was also about the time that Cronus decided he would identify as human, and try and act more like them (specifically like the main character from grease called Danny, played by John Travolta). I remember his change in identity had caught my curiosity, and later that same sweep I decided to purchase the film to maybe gain a better understanding of his new culture. As I was about to press play Cronus decided on a surprise visit. Explaining that I was about to watch Grease he insisted that he watch with me, not really in the mood to argue I let him. we sat down at a comfortable distance and began to watch, it must have been the first time I really laughed in someone else's presence. As the film continued I found out my favorite song was "Hopelessly devoted to you", and it was at that moment I really started to like the film (overlooking some of the triggering things of course). I didn't realize that at the time we were watching the film, I had snuggled right up to Cronus. I stayed there until the end of the film and had noticed that his arm was around my shoulders. Of course I let my brain get the better over my heart and I ranted about personal space to him. He apologized and I forgave him, and he went home. It must have been that same night that I decided upon my celibacy, I told everyone and they just rolled their eyes and kept asking me why I would decide upon something so stupid and pointless. I didn't want to tell them that I only wanted to be in a relationship with Cronus, so I just said that I wasn't interested at all in relationships and that they should mind their own business.

As I remember all this happening, I guess I must have believed my own lie and convinced myself that relationships weren't my thing. I had pushed away my feelings, scared of what others might think or say. I was pushing away my love... I was pushing away cronus.

"You alright kankri?"

I jump at the voice and I'm snapped out of my thoughts yet again, I look up and see cronus looking at me with a worried expression

"Oh uh yes.. just thinking, thanks for your concern" I manage to say

He nods and goes back to talking with my father. I decide I should actually drink the coffee and not just stare at the cup like I must have been doing. I gently blow and take a small sip as it was still hot...

It was just the way I liked my coffee to be. I blush at the thought that out of everyone I knew, cronus was the only one to really remember how I liked my coffee. I smile and sip the beverage more, a light blush dusting my cheeks as I revisit more memories I have with cronus.

Karkats pov

I slowly start to open my eyes. I could hear a soft beeping of some sort of machine and some people talking in the background. As I turn my head and look around I notice that I'm in a hospital, I must have survived my idiotic decision and got put in hospital. I look at my arm and notice about two wires going into my arm, my arm itself with new scars to be added to the collection I had gathered. I look away as the sight of tubes coming out my arm was making my stomach turn, I always hated injections.

I slowly sit up, my head feeling very heavy but light at the same time, I prop myself up with the pillow on the hospital bed and keep taking in my surroundings, actually glad I was still here but dreading the conversations to come with everyone about my incident. As I look around I notice eridan in a chair beside me asleep. Arms folded, one leg crossed over the other, head resting on his shoulder and eyes shut softly. I feel my heart sink, I never wanted eridan to find out about what I was doing to myself, and definitely not like this. I feel guilty as all fuck.

I realize pretty fast that I was staring at him, but I couldn't look away. He seemed so peaceful, I didn't want to disturb him. As I took in all the adorable features of him, he shifts in his sleep and gives off a soft trill, his fins fluttering. I smile at the little movement, already I was feeling better about still being able to breathe, because I got to see eridan.

As the minuets pass I lay back and stare up at the ceiling, reflecting on my actions and choices. I start to think about what everyone might be feeling. Angry? Upset? Dissapointed? Betrayed?

They all have the right to feel these things, but none of this was their fault.

It was never their fault.

...it wasn't my fault either..

Come to think of it, everyone reacts to situations differently. It's just depending on how they may be feeling, or depending on who they are. I did what I did because I was depressed, I thought and convinced myself that I was only bothering everyone, that I wasn't really wanted or needed. This contributed to my anxiety and had developed into a very toxic depression and coping mechanism.

I know right now that getting back to who I once was isn't possible, but maybe I could be better. I'd have to let people help me though, I can't do this on my own, I will accept help this time. The first step to getting better.

I look over at eridan once again, the beeps in the heart monitor speed up ever so slightly. I begin to realize as well that my emotions weren't just my mind playing tricks on me

They were very, very real..