dichotomy ; gawsten

twenty seven

He sounds distant now. Far away. He's not looking at him anymore. "It was everywhere, I- I couldn't get rid of it. I tried. But I couldn't get rid of it. It wouldn't come out." He's holding up his hands now. Geoff squints and sees it, the pinky hue to his palms, the red caked up in his fingernails and sticking to the lines in his hands. "I couldn't get rid of it."

Geoff sinks back against the pillows and pulls Jawn with him. He wraps his arms around him – manages to keep the IV in his arm while he's at it – and pulls him to his chest, leans down and buries his nose in his hair.

He's put him through so much.

As much of a dick as Jawn's been over the past few months, he's really put him through a lot. Jawn didn't sign up for any of this when they became friends, didn't know that when he was becoming friends with Geoff he was also becoming friends with depression and anxiety and binge drinking and too much cocaine and not one but two suicide attempts.

"I'm so sorry," he repeats. He says it again, and again, knows that no amount of reiteration will change anything. He still tried to kill himself. Jawn still found him. He still put his best friend through the worst thing he's ever lived through, for a second time.

He tightens his grip, presses his lips against Jawn's hair, swallows against the now throbbing lump against his throat.

And Jawn cries.

...

He feels like someone shocked his entire body.

The feeling travels fast, jumpstarts his entire system, kicks his heart into overdrive and rouses the bugs under his skin. They start buzzing, vibrating and moving around, pushing against the walls, resorting to pressing their stingers against his skin when the first attempts are futile. He feels it; he feels every poke and sting and ache against his body, bites his lip and tries to swallow through it.

The cane is tapping against the tile floor, getting progressively louder. It sounds closer and closer, until Awsten eventually appears in the doorway. He reaches up and Geoff watches him drag his fingers across the nameplate next to the door. The corners of his lips turn up as he enters the room.

"Geoff?" His voice is soft. Geoff's heart is racing. He can feel the blood pounding in his ears. He knows he's gonna hate you you ruined it you ruined everything-

Youfuckedupyoufuckedupyoufuckedup.

"Y-Yeah," he chokes out, as Awsten calls his name again. "M'here..."

There was a stopper plugging everything. Everything he was anxious about when into that bottle and there was a cork plugging it and keeping them away it was sealed off they were irrelevant but now Awsten's here with a bottle opener and the strength of a thousand and it's all coming back in flashes it's so much too much fuckfuckfuck.

There's more tapping. Awsten doesn't say anything as he makes his way over to the bed. Geoff watches him sweep the cane across the floor and tap forward. He has a half-up, half-down smile on his face, a look of concentration. His eyebrows are furrowed slightly. His hair's faded to more of a minty-blue at this point, and the front part is tousled. He's wearing an oversized hoodie over his jeans. Geoff presses harder into his lip.

He wants to hug him. He wants to take Awsten into his arms and squeeze him as tightly as possible, let him tuck his head into his chest and rub his back as they both drift off into sleep nonono stop it gay not gay gay not gay gay not gay nonono.

"H-How are you feeling?" Awsten asks. He sounds hesitant. His free hand goes up to run through his hair.

"I, um-" He cuts himself off. How does he answer that what does he say he doesn't know what to say I wish it worked I still want to die I can't be here I can't do this is not exactly a viable answer. "O-okay, I guess..." The words hurt coming up. The ache behind his eyes has grown roots, stretching down his face and into his throat. It pulsates every time he swallows.

Awsten's slight frown deepens as he reaches the bed. He retracts his cane and folds it up, then sweeps his arm all the way across. He catches nothing and takes another step forward.

Geoff swallows and scoots forward, as far as he can without disturbing the IV needle. He holds up his free arm and first rests it on Awsten's bicep, then walks his fingers all the way to the small of his back.

Awsten breathes out. Geoff hears it. He slips his cane into his shirt sleeve and, in one motion, climbs onto the bed and into Geoff's arms. That touch must've been enough of a guide, because he manages to do it with such ease that Geoff isn't sure his lack of sight was even noticeable.

He feels the damp spot begin to grow on his shirt before he has a chance to get a word in. "A-Aws?" Is he crying? Why would he be crying? He doesn't get it why would Awsten cry over him he's not worth crying over what's going on.

"D-don't you d-dare do that ever again," Awsten gasps out. He's shaking against him, body almost vibrating from the force.

Great job you made him care now he's attached people can't get attached to you you always fuck it up and now you're gonna fuck him up and break him how does that make you feel how does that how-

"I-I'm sorry-" He pauses and keeps his gaze on Awsten's left arm, on the cotton ball and medical tape nestled in the crook of his elbow. "Aws...what is that?"

"What's what?"

"Your- your arm..."

Awsten bends his arm at the elbow. "Jawn's not your blood type. I am."

"You- you..." He trails off and looks over at the IV in his arm, the IV attached to a tube filled with blood, Awsten's blood, which is now being pumped into his body. "You donated blood...for me..."

"Of course I did," Awsten replies. He sounds nonchalant, matter-of-fact, almost, like what he did was just an every day thing. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I-I-" He tries to swallow. Tries force air in and out of his lungs. This is too much he can't do this he can't breathe fuckfuckfuck. "I can't..."

"Hey. Breathe." Awsten takes one of his hands and squeezes. "It's gonna be okay. We're gonna fix this. I don't know what happened between you and Chloe or what made you wanna do this, but whatever it is, we can fix it, Geoff. Everything's gonna be fine. Just breathe, okay?"

Everything lapses into silence for a few minutes while he tries to control his breathing. Awsten keeps rubbing his hand, thumb stroking the back of his palm.

And eventually, Awsten speaks again.

"You're gonna be okay."

He inhales.