nineteen (bang, bang sequel)

honey

overgrown - james blake

i am sold - james blake

life round here - james blake

l.p.

clinically, i was dead for about an hour before the paramedics found me. 

in the middle of some horrendous party-house, me and five other people had overdosed on the same shit. it was apparently laced with fentanyl, the death drug. the drug that if you go one single grain over the limit, you'd end up like a vegetable for the rest of your life -- if you're lucky. i mean, i can't say that i have any memory of anything except waking up in a hospital bed and being labelled as a miracle. all of my scrambled information was relayed to me from a nurse who monitored my vitals and fed me valium whenever i began to lose my mind. she told me that i had been admitted into rehabilitation center and was placed into a 'detoxification unit'. i already knew all of this far too well, considering i had a father who floated in and out of these places for his own abuse. 

i turned into my father without even realizing it -- a selfish, monstrous abuser. 

but anyway, that was quite long ago and i didn't want to relive it. 

i realized that i had begun to lose my marbles, once i was strong enough to walk around the hospital like a forgotten ghost. i spent months sleeping my days away or withdrawing into silence, so i hadn't really had my wits about me. my mouth barely moved unless i was asked a question from a friendly nurse, so when i felt a hand touch my shoulder one day -- i flinched and jumped away it.

flinging from my bed i had lived in for far too long, i turned to see zayn standing near me. i really thought i was dreaming, i had been taunted too many times of images of him. 

there was one time when i was left alone in the hospital's library. it was only small, with four aisles of bookcases, but it had all been too overwhelming. there wasn't as much monitoring as you would think for a rehabilitation center, but it was a completely free institution. in a whirlwind, i had become unhinged and afraid and had absolutely no clue where the fuck i was. it was like a sudden burst of amnesia and i was crippled with smothering fear -- running and hiding at the bottom of an oak bookcase. trying to flee from the burning light and the shadows that followed me. 

my entire life, i had never been an afraid person who let my trauma affect me so deeply -- but i guess i could only run from it for so long. i was confronted with all my thoughts and couldn't breathe.

my body had become so malnourished that i fit into such tiny places, panicking and clutching my trembling arms. with my eyes squeezed shut, i heard a man's voice -- the only person that could placate me. 

"you're going to be okay, liam," it was reminiscent of zayn's words from a blurry night i barely remembered on my downward spiral.

i really could of sworn i heard him, and when i opened my eyes, i could see his placid, chocolate eyes and the unruly darkness of his hair standing over me. he stared at me from above, lending a tattooed hand to help me up. my heart steadied and immediately i raced towards his touch, sliding out from underneath the furniture. 

"come on, lets get you into bed." i heard, but it was a different voice this time. my fingers snaked around the wrist of the person in front of me who was trying to let go of my frantic hand. blinking my eyes, it has just been a fellow nurse the entire time and not zayn at all.