Again

ART (Chapter two)

"I can't do it, Lin. Why would we do this to each other?" I ask her while holding her close to me. We've been like this for the whole day, only stopping to get the door for the food we order, eat them up and then back to this.

Lin is a really amazing person. She does what she does well and she's funny. I love her. Been doing so for the last four years. She never failed to tell me how loved I am by her. She cooks food for me. She helped me with school before. She helps me take care of things like my laundry, my apartment. Maybe it's because I don't have a job that she's breaking up with me. I haven't found one for a long time now.

She rolls over to face me, holding my face in her small and soft hands. "Arty, you know how much I love you  right?" I nod. I know very well, my love.
"But I think we need some time off, to see ourselves more clearly. I need to figure myself out. You need to, too." She's now leaning on my forehead. I've never been this close to her and not kiss her till we make love. It's quite difficult holding myself together, because she wants to talk. No, she doesn't just want to talk, she wants to break up. I hug her even tighter and think of words to say to make her stop thinking about this. This is  crazy.
"I love you, Lin. I'm sorry I couldn't get a job yet. I won't stop looking. Just don't let go of me, of us." I close my eyes and stop the will of the tears from falling. This hurts so much. If I could just make this stop.
"I'm sorry, Arty, but I think it's for the best." She now stands up and pull over my hoodie. She easily gets cold and when it's worst, her sinuses would act up and she'd catch colds, then she'd be stuck in bed for days.

I sit up the bed and think, but I can't think of anything. I only see her. I love her so much.

"You know what," she sits in bed next to me.
"I read about a story where people in love, like us, went apart but still found themselves together in the end. I think if it worked for them, it would  for us too, you know? Like, if we're really meant to be together."
"That's crazy, Lin. If you love each other, you work on that love every single day to make it stronger and  better. You don't just put your faith on the red string that's tied on you, if there's any. You work on it. It won't be easy though, but that's okay because you're gonna get through it with the person you love the most. That's what I think." I stopped out of breath and hugged her tight. I can't bear this. I can't bear the facts that she'd no longer be mine and I'd only get to see her when I see her or when I stalk through facebook, which is bad because she doesn't like social media. She's gonna be out my reach. I can't do that.

She breaks away from me and on to the kitchen counter. We ordered Chinese for dinner, because she loves this steamed fried rice with pork and seafood toppings. She prepares for two. I stand up and follow her because I'm starving too.

"Do you want me to put soy sauce already?" I ask her as she gets iced tea from the fridge.
"Yep. Not too many, please."
"I know how you like it, Lin." I smile.
"You do and I will miss that. But I'll be able to do it on my own now, Arty. Not that you are a trouble to me, but you know how much I want to be independent, right?" She says hugging me from behind. I turn around to face her.
"You are independent. Or are you just trying to turn this around and make it look like you're not leaving because I don't have a life?" That's it. I said it.
Tears came falling from her eyes and to her happy cheeks. I don't like seeing it. I hate it when she's hurt.
"I'm sorry, Lin. I didn't mean it to sound that way. I..." I stop when I see her rush to her backpack and make her way out.
"It's okay, Arty. I didn't expect for you to understand right away. But please don't think that I'm doing this because of the selfish idea that's on your mind. I love you and it's always going to be you. But I need to find myself. I need to be sure of myself, just as I am with you."
I stopped. She ran down the stairs. I did not follow her. I wasn't able to. Something in me understands her but my heart is just breaking now, and it is so hard to process everything.

We've been talking about this, her plan for the past year and I didn't think it would actually happen until tonight. I've been denying it. It is unfair to Lin. I have been unfair. I am unfair.

I could've been better. I could've made the whole remaining time we're together so much more amazing. Now  my time's up. I can't do anything but support the love of my life in her conquest to find herself without me on board.

I sit down the kitchen counter and realize we haven't really eaten. Lin hasn't eaten. I call the diner we ordered Chinese from and had some steamed fried rice delivered to her house. If I can't be there, atleast she won't starve tonight. She easily gets sick when she skips a meal.

I go back to my bed and find her green scarf. I held it and tied it to my pillow. Atleast she left me with something close to her. Then I'll always be too.