OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

PROLOGUE

Halos yumuko ako, nahihiya sa ginawa. But it was more like a disappointment to myself.

I don't understand why it is easier to marvel on the kind of beauty that didn't come from yours. A beauty from our skin. Kasi kung ganoon kadali ang pagpapahalaga sa sarili, maybe I could have been happier. Naglalagay naman ako ng mga pampaganda sa mukha ko, pero bakit hindi ko pa rin magawang mahalin ang sarili ko?

I don't think this is about vanity. That's an extreme appreciation on your own image. Mine isn't working that way. Because staring at the mirror for the longest time, I mostly linger on my imperfections and how I hated them.

Sabi nila, wala naman daw. Na sa isipan ko lang iyon dahil perpekto raw ang aking mukha. Almond eyes and upturned like a cat's eye, bee-stung lips... I pouted and never agreed. Iyon kasi ang sinabi ni Mommy sa akin. She said that I could have been prettier. Could have been. Not like this. Not the way I look right now.

"Nahihiya na ang salamin sa kakatitig sa ganda mo, Deirdre..." malamyos at nangingiting puri sa akin ni Inay Hirelda.

She's standing behind me, silently observing my movements. Kahit sa katandaan, magaan ang mukha ni inay dahil palagi itong nakangiti at positibo. While it was a foolish attempt of me to ever think about reaching that point of my life, getting old and happy. Because I always thought that I would die young and before I turned thirty.

Ngumiti ako, nahihiya sa papuri kahit hindi naman talaga ako sang-ayon doon. Nang naibaba ang tingin sa baso sa tukador ay parang binagsakan ang kalamnan ko.

"Tubig?"

I caught her alert eyes. Lumapit siya ng kalahating hakbang na tila tinanggalan ng karapatan ang sarili na mapalapit sa akin. "Iyan ang sinabi ng Mommy mo na ipapaakyat daw dito."

"Huh? But I'm hungry na..." I groaned while guarding my rumbling tummy. "I'm not even sure kung puwede akong kumain mamaya..."

Why do I even have to complain when it is always been like this? Dapat sanay na ako na ginugutom.

Natitigan ko sa salamin ang sirang mukha na galing pa sa lamay ng aking reklamo. I noticed my lipstick has faded showing lines of white cracks on my lips due to my thirst. Inubos ko ang isang baso ng tubig. I snatched the nearest lipstick then pulled the cover open to reveal a nude shade in peach undertone, a compliment to my fair skin.

"Where is she? Is her hair and make-up done?"

Nagkatinginan agad kami ni Inay Hirelda sa salamin at natagpuan ang kakambal kong reaksyon. Ilang hakbang ang inatras niya palayo mula sa akin sakto sa pag-ingit ng pinto nang magbukas.

My mother's heels could catch the neighborhood's attention the manner it echoed firmly on the walls as she stepped in. Hand's on the door, she easily found me in front of the mirror. I stood up straight just like what she always tells me to do.

Lihim akong naghihingalo habang kanyang nilalapitan. Bihis na siya ayon sa kagustuhan nitong ayos; Primarily, her neatly coiffed hair in a French pleat should always be present and her white Armani silk dress.

"Let me see how they did... your make up, hm?" Her tone has a distinguishable rise to it as she spoke.

She hooked her slender manicured forefinger on my chin and lifted it up to scrutinize me. Kumukurap kurap ako, takot sa maaari niyang sabihin. Afraid to be the victim of her self-deprecating could have beens; I could have been pretty. I could have been better... Because everytime she says these comparisons between reality and the passed up possibility, it doesn't only breaks my heart.

That is why her approval is always important to me. I grew up believing this way. Her perceptions are in high standards. Kaya kung pupurihin man niya ako, ibig sabihin ay perpekto na ako sa paningin niya at sa iba.