Heretic of El Amarna

Chapter 44: Amenhotep

Kiya came to me the night after my outing on the lake with Nefertiti. She was fidgeting with one of her many braids. She kept twisting the topaz bead on the end of her braid round and round, keeping her gaze firmly on the ground. “Can I… Can I speak with you?” She asked, voice barely a whisper and an unusual quaver to it.

I nodded. “Kiya… What is wrong?” I was immediately worried when I saw how distraught she was.

“Well… Your sister told me to speak with you about… about how I… How we… I mean… I just… The way we feel… Us…”

I pressed a finger to her lips. “Shh… Not here… We can talk in my chambers.”

“Is Nefertiti not there?” She asked, glancing up for a second.

I shook my head. “She is in her own chambers taking a nap.”

She nodded, a weak smile appearing on her face.

I took her arm and lead her to my room, walking past the towering white-painted wood columns of the hall.

Once we reached my rooms, I pulled her over to the bed, sitting down beside her. “Now… What about us?”

“Well, it is more the lack of us…” She started, fiddling with a pleat in her linen dress.

“Lack of us? Kiya… I told you…”

“Oh, no… I mean… I understand that you are in love with Nefertiti. I respect that…” She bit her lip, rubbing her hands along her thighs – a habit that I had observed she had when nervous. “Amenhotep…” She began suddenly. “Isis said I should explain to you how I feel. And… I feel very much as though I am unwanted and unloved… I know you care – really, I do… But, when I am alone with you, I feel awkward and when I am with you and Nefertiti, I feel unwanted.

“I… I spent my whole childhood wishing for love… My father never had the time to show his love towards me… And so I spent my whole childhood dreaming of the day when I would marry someone who I loved and who would love me back. I know it was… naïve… But it was the dream I had.

“Then I married you… And you show little love of any sort. You barely pay attention to me… And I feel quite alone aside from your sister here.” She finished the last sentence in a rush, breathing out a sigh as though she was relieved to be done.

Which she probably was.

I sat in silence, absorbing the meaning of her words.

She was right. I paid little heed to her aside from the occasional inquiry into her health and the baby. I was occupied with Nefertiti or the burdens of ruling, and I made no time for her. She was alone here, and I had no care about it.

“I… I am sorry, Kiya. I had not thought about it much. I did not mean to exclude you from things. It is little wonder, I suppose, that you never accept my invitations to dine with Nefertiti and me… I feel terrible for this. Will you forgive me?”

She smiled sadly, nodding. “Amenhotep?”

“Yes?” I looked at her, concerned by the sadness still in her face.

“Do you think that you will ever love me in any manner?” She asked.

I stared at her, astounded by the intensity of her sadness and concern. “I… I do not know, Kiya… Perhaps… That is the best I can give.”

 She stared at the floor in silence.

I occupied myself with staring at the grain of the polished wood of my couch, avoiding her gaze. But after a few moments, the silence became too much, and I had to break it. “Kiya… You… Are you upset?”