How to Break a Heart (To be published by LIB)

Thirty-Three

Alam ko naman na ayaw ni Dominic na binibiro ko siya nang ganon. Ever since he knew the truth, naging madalas na ang pagbibiro ko tungkol sa bagay na iyon. I just want him to slowly accept it because it’s something that’s bound to happen. At least if he got used to me, joking about my death–then it would be a lot easier for him to move on.

I just wanted to make sure that he’ll be alright once I’m gone. I want them to live their own life. Ayaw kong makalimutan nila ako but I don’t want them to hurt either once I’m not existing anymore.

Naputol ang pag-iisip ko nang marinig ko ang pagpatay ng makina ng sasakyan. I scanned the whole place and noticed that we’ve already arrived the car park. Hindi ako agad bumaba dahil gusto ni Dominic na pinagbubuksan niya ako ng pinto. I don’t want to steal that little pleasure from him.

“I’m sorry too. I just don’t want you to think that I’m happy about this. Even if I got mad at you or hated you among every human being existing in this planet, I will never be happy about living in a world without you.”

His words should have made me weak–yes, it made me cry but it didn’t affect me as much as it would have affected me before. I love him–I will forever love him, yes, but I’m positive that I’m not in love with him anymore.

I don’t know what else to say kaya hindi na lang ako nagsalita pa. Kung may isasagot man ako sa sinabi niya, hindi na rin namin malalaman dahil lumabas agad si Dominic mula sa loob ng sasakyan at naglakad para pagbuksan ako ng pinto.

The first thing that I searched for is his car. Wala kaming klase ngayong araw na magkasama pero umaasa pa rin ako na makikita ko siya. It has been two days–three kung isasama mo ang araw ngayon simula nang huli ko siyang makita.

Hindi ko alam kung kaya kong sabihin sa kanya ang totoo–ang totoong dahilan kung bakit itinulak ko siyang palayo. Would it still matter? Will he even care?

Nabigo ako ng kaunti nang hindi ko nakita ang sasakyan na kadalasang ginagamit ni Arron kapag pumapasok. I didn’t have the luxury to feel poignant about it because Dominic pulled me away from the car park.

Hinatid muna niya ako sa room para sa first class ko bago siya umalis at tumuloy sa sariling klase niya. When I entered the room, some of my girl blockmates greeted me like how they normally do. Eto ang isa sa dahilan kung bakit gusto ko pumasok, bukod sa wala naman na akong ibang gagawin–it’s one of the normal things that I still have in whatever’s left of my life.

The rest of my class passed by and I thought of how I’m going to miss attending classes and being a regular college student. Kung paano ko ma-mi-miss ng husto ang pagcram tuwing may projects or assignments na kailangang gawin. Kung paano ko ma-mi-miss ang pagmamadali sa pagpasok para lang hindi ako ma-late.

May pasok pa si Dominic after ng last class ko kaya hindi niya ako maihahatid pauwi. He offered skipping classes for me but I told him not to bother dahil sinundo naman na ako ni Daddy. While waiting for my dad to arrive, I can’t help but look around and search for a particular car. Alam kong pinapaasa ko lang ang sarili ko pero gusto ko talaga siyang makita but I bet he doesn’t feel the same way dahil kung pareho lang kami ng nararamdaman ay ‘di sana pagmulat ko pa lang sa hospital, nandoon na agad si Arron.