Now You're Gone | bechloe

"I Know I've Made You Sad..."

*trigger warning in this chapter xx*

*****

(Beca's POV)

In the end, I decided to go out and buy myself a Starbucks. Chloe said a while back that Starbucks would make me feel better, so I went out and got myself a Frappuccino, and sat down on one of the comfy seats and put my earphones in. For a second I put my drink against my wrist to try and cool it down, but it just made it all wet and it made it more painful than it was before. My vision began to blur as I felt myself welling up. I never cry at things being sore, so this is obviously a lot worse than normal other pains. At that moment, Chloe requested to FaceTime me. I answer, while wiping my tears away as fast as I can.

Chloe: Hey Beca! How's it going?
Beca: Heyyy! Not bad, just in Starbucks.
Chloe: Oh cool, I see you took my advice.
Beca: Yep, I needed it. I haven't been out the house in a while.
Chloe: Why?
Beca: Oh, just been busy with other stuff.
Chloe: Oh right that's okay.
Beca: I miss you.
Chloe: I miss you too.

I sniffle and try to hide the fact that there's a couple of stupid little tears rolling down my cheeks.

Chloe: Beca? Are you okay?
Beca: Oh, yeah I'm fine, just starting to catch a cold.
Chloe: No Becs, what is it?
Beca: Chlo I'm fine I promise!
Chloe: Seriously I'm not stupid, what is going on? I know something's happening because of my dad and this Facebook post, which I know nothing about!
Beca: Oh my god Chloe chill out! Everything is fine.

Chloe is right, obviously there's something wrong. First I'm in pain for three reasons, one being my fault because my cuts are turning into scars now and the burn is making them worse, but I can't say anything or she'll be disappointed, second I miss my brother, who Chloe thinks is still alive, and last, I miss her like hell, but now I've upset her and I've ruined everything. Her lips began to quiver, and the next thing I know she's sat on her bed with her head in her hands.

Beca: Chloe, what's wrong?
Chloe: I want to know what's going on.
Beca: Honestly, everything's going okay. Don't worry about me.
Chloe: Why wouldn't I worry? You got fired from your job and then suddenly everything's fine. Beca that's not normal *bursts into tears*
Beca: Oh Chloe, don't get upset, I'm telling you now I'm okay. I'm going to have to love you and leave you there because I need to do some bits of stuff now. Don't worry, everything's absolutely fine, okay? I love you.
Chloe: I love you too.

(Chloe's POV)

I hang up the call before turning off my lamp. It's really late here, but not as late for Beca. I lie back down in my bed and just stay there, thinking through what just happened. I know she's hiding something, I know something's wrong. I just can't get it out of her, and I don't know what to do. My eyes are stinging and I'm out of breath because I've been panting ever since I hung up the call. It's just hurting me because I want to see Beca so badly and I want to know what's going on because I swear it's not good. Beca isn't the type of person to open up, and I've known that for years. Even when I told her I was leaving, it took ages before she actually got upset in front of me and told me some of her feelings about it, so I don't know why I was expecting her to say something.

My phone beeps just before I properly settle down. I check the text message that just came through. It read:

"Chloe I feel as if I've upset you. I didn't mean to I'm really sorry. Don't worry about me. I'm fine, everything's going well, and I still love you just the same. I know I've made you sad and I'm such a dick for doing that, but just know that I'm sorry. Beca. X"

My heart sank. Why is she beating herself up? She didn't upset me at all. I was crying because I was worried that she wasn't telling me something and because I just want a hug from her. I haven't made any new friends this whole time I've been here, just an enemy, and I just want Beca here with me instead of her being so far away. That's why I was crying, she didn't do anything wrong. But why? Why is she beating herself up? I know she never really fully opened up to me, or anyone, but she's never beaten herself up to me, or any of the Bellas, she never said it to us, even if she did inside her head. I lie in bed thinking about it over and over again, until I find myself crying all over again. I'm trying so hard to stop in case my parents hear, but then out of nowhere I hear a knock at the door.

"What now?" Dad said to me, as I sniffle quickly.

"Nothing, why?" I ask.

"I heard you! Don't lie to me!" he replies.

"Nothing's wrong Dad, I'm just getting a cold. I was just sniffling"

He rolled his eyes at me and walked out, slamming the door behind me. Dad doesn't really understand how much Beca means to me, and he doesn't get how much I miss her, but since 'the facebook post' thing, he's been acting weird with me, and it's worrying me that something really bad has happened, and I feel as if it's about me. I hope that I haven't caused any problems in Beca's life as it would break me if I had.

(Beca's POV)

I texted Chloe earlier after I left Starbucks, because I felt horrible for upsetting her. It broke my heart to see her well up like that right in front of me, and knowing that it was my fault just made everything worse. I'm just too scared to tell her what's been going on, because I think that she'll hate me or she'll be angry that I didn't say anything sooner. Thing is, I don't want to say anything because she means so much to me and I hate seeing her cry more than anything. She's normally such a positive, bubbly girl and she always makes me smile so much, but today, I just saw a complete different side to her; a side that makes me feel absolutely devastated. She doesn't deserve me. She deserves someone who is so much more beautiful, and so much skinnier than me. Someone who is tall, and someone who is as bubbly and polite as she is. I'm too badass, and I'm not good enough for her.

*****

As I put on my pyjamas and take my makeup off, I look in the mirror and see this horrible figure standing in front of it.
"Why do I suddenly feel so shitty about myself?" I think to myself.
I see all the imperfections on my skin, the flaws on my face, and I think about all the mistakes I've made over the past few weeks. I lean against the nearest wall and burst into tears, while trying to calm myself down because I'm acting like an idiot.

About 30 seconds later, I run into the bathroom and grab my razor, running it rapidly down my thighs, causing more vicious cuts to come to my skin. My heart is thumping so much it feels like it's about to pop out of my chest, and my eyes are stinging a lot, but every time tears fall down my face, more come to my eyes so I can't stop. I finish cutting my legs and grab another dark towel from the cupboard, and lay it against my legs as I sit down on my bed. I know what I'm doing is wrong and stupid, but I don't know what else to do. I hate knowing that what I'm doing will one day become no secret to Chloe, and that she'll notice and probably hate me for life because of it. I just don't know what to do anymore.

(No ones POV)

Beca got up and walked over to Chloe's bed once her thighs had stopped bleeding. The bedsheets still smelled of her, so Beca felt comfort by sitting there. She checked her phone to find a text back from Chloe, who, unknowingly to Beca, had cried herself to sleep that night because of the way her best friend was beating herself up. Chloe had began to feel that this whole situation was her fault. If she didn't agree to go with her parents, none of this would have happened, and now, she wished she could turn back time and take Beca with her to the new house. The text message read:

"Beca! You haven't upset me, don't worry. Please don't think that. I was upset because I'm worried about you and I just wanted to check if you were okay, because I miss you and I want you here with me. I have no friends here and without you everything seems so different. I just wanna sit with you and have a hug and talk things through. Never ever beat yourself up, right? I'm actually sat here in tears because I don't want you feeling shit about yourself because you are perfect for me and you always will be! I love you so much, don't forget it. Chloe xxx"

Beca took a deep breath. What was she meant to do now? Everything was on top of her now, from the whole Chloe situation, to David's death, to having no money, meaning the rent couldn't be paid, making Beca panic because she was due a payment this week. All these thoughts swerved around her head for the rest of the night, meaning she got no sleep whatsoever.