dichotomy ; gawsten

seventeen

Geoff shakes his head. His heart is beating faster. He feels the ice and the hot and forces impossibly closer to Awsten warmwarmwarm. "I don't-don't want him ta apologize I don't need an apology it's not about that."

"What is it about then?"

"Otto," Awsten warns. "Don't."

"No," Geoff speaks up. "It's okay. He's right. I need- needa stop bein' such a fuckin' baby 'bout this." The words feel too big his voice is thick it hurts it's heavy warmwarmwarm.

"As the best friend," Otto says. "I don't think he meant to hurt you. I really don't. You guys don't get it, it's kinda...it's weird, for us. 'Cause we see you hurting so bad and we wanna do something and we can't and it sucks. It pisses you off, 'cause that's your best friend, y'know? The person that deserves to be happy more than anything. And they're not. And you can't do anything about it." He chuckles. "Just...don't be too hard on him, 'kay? He loves you."

"Otto..." He looks up when he hears the break in Awsten's voice. Awsten moves away from him and crosses over to the couch Otto's sitting on. Otto opens his arms and Awsten curls onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his neck. He whispers something against Otto's skin, lips moving gently, Geoff is too far to hear it.

"I thought you hated Jawn." Awsten's voice is louder. He turns his face in Geoff's direction.

Otto shrugs and curls his fingers around Awsten's waist. Geoff swallows again. His heart is racing. Something feels off there's something wrong he doesn't know what it is but he doesn't like it. "I don't hate him. I don't like the dude but I kinda get where he's comin' from. You wanna do everything for your best friend but sometimes you can't." His own voice seems to catch in his throat. "And it's the worst feeling in the world."

Awsten hugs him again, clinging tighter, having moved his arms to go around his upper torso, under his arms. Geoff stretches forward and catches the faintest hint of, "...saved my life. You did everything. I love you so much and I will never be able to thank you for everything you've done for me."

There's an ache behind his eyes his stomach feels like it's going to eject from his chest he doesn't feel warm anymore he doesn't know why he doesn't know anything he doesn't feel warm anymore.

He doesn't feel warm anymore.

...

He shivers, tugging his jacket further around himself.

He made the decision of walking to Jawn's house and it started raining two minutes in and his socks are soaked and there's water traveling down his jeans and his hair is flopping into his eyes, a soggy, damp mess.

Otto offered to drive and Awsten offered to come but he knew he wouldn't be able to have this conversation with them there, watching his every move, ready to jump in the second things get ugly. It would've been nice to have the safety net but he knows himself and he knows he won't say everything on his mind if Otto and Awsten, if even just Awsten, is in the room listening.

He shoots a hand out of his jacket cocoon to ring the doorbell and bites his lip. He didn't call he didn't text he doesn't even know if he's home this was a bad idea this was a bad idea oh god this was such a fucking bad idea.

He swallows against the lump in his throat and moves to turn around.

And then the door creaks and swings open and he freezes.

"Geoff? Holy fuck, come in."

Jawn holds the door open and he takes a step inside, limiting his body to just the doormat as not to drip water onto the wooden floors. His teeth are chattering and his hair is in his eyes but everything's cold he can't move.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You're gonna freeze to death," Jawn says. He's talking hurriedly, words tumbling out in a rush. He reminds Geoff of himself right before an anxiety attack. Trying to keep it together and failing obviously. "M'gonna get you a towel or something."

"Jawn," he forces out. The word shakes from the force of his vibrating teeth.

Jawn turns back to look at him. There are tears in his eyes.

"Geoff. I-I'm so sorry."

He takes a step forward and opens his arms. Water droplets splash onto the floor with a loud slap, but Jawn doesn't seem to mind as he propels himself forward and wraps his arms around Geoff.

Geoff swallows again. He buries his face in the crook of Jawn's neck and lets out a heavy breath. It's not like Awsten it's not warm it's different it feels good he's missed this he wants to bottle it up and put it next to Awsten's bottle, in his closet of good feelings for the days he has none.

"I'm sorry."

"I missed you."

am i just making myself emotional with this shit or