resplendent *gawsten* ✓

Chapter Twenty-Two

2.19.18
edit 8.25.20
tw; suicide attempt. be careful. stay alive
948 words

geoff p.o.v.

    awsten sat in my lap one day while we were playing zelda, about two weeks after my birthday. otto and grace had gone to get the rest of grace's stuff.

    "g-geoff?" he mumbled. i hummed to let him know i was listening. he took a deep breath and continued, "ev-ever think ab-'bout...what would have hap-happened if i-if i didn't take your...hand?"

    i paused my game and looked at him. "we wouldn't be here, right now..." suddenly i didn't know what to say, but awsten didn't catch that.

  no shit, sherlock, he signed. i meant like homes, or families, or jobs...

i looked at him curiously. i tried not to let it show that i was hurt that he might not have even considered to start a family with me. i tried to ignore the bags under his eyes that started to appear after the last panic attack. "we just graduated from high school, and you're worried about all that? peach, that's not important right now."

i'm sorry i decided not to go to college, he signed. i shook my head.

"hey, it's okay. we'll figure something out, okay? don't worry, you didn't make a bad decision." he had hope in his eyes. i kissed his nose, holding him close. "trust me, you didn't."

he bit his lip. i knew he wanted to tell me something. "what is it?" i encouraged him.

"m-mum...to-tomor-morrow..." he whispered. his lower lip trembled, and he sniffed.

i wrapped both my arms around his waist and let him nestle into my shoulder and chest. "hey, you're okay..." i whispered. i ran my fingertips up and down his pale arm, feeling him shiver a little bit. "if you want, we can go visit her grave." he stiffened up at my suggestion, so i added, "or not..."

he pried my arms from around him and got up from my lap. i could see he was shaking, and he was fidgeting with his hands. "b-b-bath-bathroom." he said, then promptly turned on his heel. i watched him go up the stairs slowly. i looked away from the staircase just for a second, so that i could turn off the wii. i looked back, and saw that he left the bathroom door open.

"awsten?" i called. he didn't answer, and he didn't answer the second time i called for him.

i got up from the floor and walked up the stairs. "awsten, why didn't yo-" i stopped mid-sentence when i caught awsten sitting on the ground, putting a handful of his pills in his mouth. he saw me too and froze, keeping the pills in his cheeks like a goddamn chipmunk.

i fell to my knees in front of him. "what the hell, baby?!" i exclaimed. i held my hand out, just below his mouth. "spit them out. right now."

he shook his head, eyes wide. i could tell that he was very, very close to swallowing them, even with me right there. i didn't break eye contact with him as i dug my phone out of my back pocket.

"as soon as you do, i'm calling 911, and you're puking them back up before the ambulance gets here." i told him. his eyes widened more with fear, and he shook his head more desperately.

"yeah, that'll happen, and i'll make sure it does." i said. "so what's it gonna be, daffodil?"

he whined, and his eyes squinted a little. tears fell down his cheeks in trickles. i used my empty hand to wipe one side of his face, and put my hand back to its place. "awsten...please..." i pleaded. "i can't do this alone..."

awsten sniffed, and spit the pills into my hand. i waited a second, and he huffed and spit about three more into my hand full of slimy, multi-coloured pills.

"that all?" i asked in a soft whisper. he nodded, and let a sob escape him as he threw his arms around my neck. i dropped my phone to hold us up with that hand, but i kept a firm hold on the pills and hugged him with that arm. "shh, you're okay, you're okay." i assured him. "it's over, you're not leaving, i love you..."

"i-i wanted-wanted to-to see her..." he cried. "i-i miss her, gee...just wanna-wanna b-be free...i w-want her to come-to come back...to see her ag-again..."

"baby, please don't do that ever again..." i sniffed to try and stop crying. he must have noticed because he backed away from my arms to give me a horrified look. he choked out a sob, and the tears were steady cascades.

"'m sor-sorry..." he whined. he kissed my nose and my cheeks, muttering that he was sorry over and over again. i tried reassuring him that he was safe now while trying not to cry myself.

eventually, we got up off the dirty bathroom floor so that i could throw away the pills and empty pill bottle. i took his hand and led him to my room, where we got into my bed. he put his head and hand on my chest, and i wrapped my arm around his shoulders.

"can-can we g-go visit her gr-grave?" he asked.

"sure. we can go buy her flowers, too." he nodded against me and sniffed.

"sorry for-for bein' a cryb-bab-by..." he said.

i kissed the top of his head. "there's nothing to be sorry about, honey love. i know you're trying your hardest. these past couple weeks have just been rough for you, and it's okay if you felt overwhelmed."

"c-can we take a-take a nap?" he whispered.

"yeah, we can do that. we can take a nap in the now, and forget about the later, deal?"

"d-deal."