The Depression Diaries

The end

Dear Diary,

I have just stumbled upon these old entries from 4 years ago. I wish I could have told the old me that everything will be okay, that yes life never stops being hard but it will be okay if you just try.

I'm glad I kept going. I mean, I definitely tried to commit suicide way more times after the last time I wrote an entry. I'm not trying to make it sound like I miraculously became better overnight and decided to change.It was a very long process, one I occasionally still struggle with. But I'm happy with the fact that it's become fewer and further between each depressive episode. I went an entire year content with my life, the longest I have ever been happy.

I am getting married this August to the love of my life, my best friend, and my soulmate. I cannot reward him fully for the content and happiness I feel however he certainly has contributed majorly towards it. I didn't just meet him and suddenly became happy; happier, definitely. Something, someone to live for. I feel obliged to take better care of myself and it's now been a year since I have harmed myself.

I moved away at 18 with every intention of joining the army in Scotland. I worked with horses for a few months until I met Mason. While I am with him I have no intention of going away. I chose to work as a care assistant to stay here and I am so glad and proud of the choices I have made. I am planning my own wedding, and we are buying our own house. If anyone had told me this years ago I would have laughed and said I didn't plan on making it to 20.

I am young but I know I have found the one for me. I hope we grow together over the years and that everything works out.

I am hopeful, and I look forward to the future.

I say to anyone in the state I used to be in, please hold on. I'm not saying finding someone is the answer to all of your problems, you need to work on yourself. Get yourself a job you're happy doing, do what you love, help others because it gives you courage. Be kind to others, and more importantly, be kind to yourself. Make yourself get up and go out. Joining the riding club I spoke about in one of my entries was the first step to changing my life; I moved out by myself. Then I moved countries by myself at 18. Be brave.

The family you are born with aren't necessarily the family you need. I have amazing friends here that I will be forever grateful for, and I couldn't do without. Choose your friends carefully, and never give up hope that one day, all of that shit you went through will be 100% worth it. Never stop trying.