Raising Hybrid Puppies [a Starker coffee shop AU]

Chapter 6

"JARVIS?"

"Yes, sir?"

Tony watches the car's GPS signal come to a stop outside a tall housing construction in Queens.

"Hypothetically... how much trouble would I be in if I slept with a sixteen-year-old?"

"Four years in prison, sir, not to mention the devastating effects on Stark Industries."

That reply came much too quickly. Tony pulls down his glasses to squint at the nearest camera.

"Back up, buddy – have you thought about this?"

"As part of the Bahrain Protocol, it is standard procedure for me to calculate the risks posed by your sexual companions once your interest has become evident."

Tony curses under his breath. "For the last time, I didn't sleep with that bartender! And he was 19; in any sane country no one would have batted an eye!"

"You were informed prior to your visit of the high age of consent in the country, sir."

"Sounded like a cruel joke," Tony grumbles. "Like this – four years? Really?"

"If you were closer in age, sir, a 'Romeo and Juliet exemption' could be applied to the situation."

"You saying I'm too old for him?"

"My projections regarding public opinion suggest that a majority of your customers would take offense at a hypothetical relationship between Mr. Parker and yourself."

"Woah, woah, woah, no one's talking about a relationship, J, just some after school special... okay, scratch that, I realize how creepy that sounds."

"Will you stop pursuing him then, sir?"

"Yeah, like that's gonna happen."

"Sir, I really must protest –"

"Don't get your electrons in a twist, JARVIS," Tony interrupts. As amusing as JARVIS's mother-henning is, Tony has some self-preservation skills left. "I'm stopping for now. He's gonna reach the age of consent eventually... right?"

A beat.

"Mr. Parker will be of age under New York State law on his 17th birthday."

Tony huffs. "I get it, you don't approve, fucking noted. Now tell me his birth date."

"As a computer I am not programmed to have an opinion," JARVIS honest-to-god sniffs. "I'm merely raising concerns in accordance with my projections, which, while excluding criminal repercussions after Mr. Parker's birthday, still show a detrimental effect on both your reputation and business should information about your involvement become –"

"Zip it," Tony snaps. "Peter's birthday, now."

JARVIS is silent for another petulant second. Seriously, who's the teenager in this scenario?

"February, 19th, 2001."

2001.

Fuck, the kid's really young. He's also way mature for his age, has a gifted mind and can hold his own in conversations with Tony. And he seems to be interested, too, judging by the incredibly hot round of foreplay tonight.

Tony feels his blood rushing south just thinking about that almost-kiss.

"Start the shower, J."

Half an hour later, as Tony gasps in release, one thing becomes clear to him: There's no way he'll be able to keep his hands to himself tomorrow without a plan. Something to recontextualize their dynamic because coffee-centric innuendo is gonna spell disaster.