Learn One New Thing Everyday { COMPLETED }

-On hold indefinitely-

I feel that by constantly pointing out my flaws, I am unable to keep up with my new year resolution of developing self-confidence and re-building my broken self-esteem.

Also, I talked to a friend few days ago and she expressed her persistent feelings of sadness at things in general, at life in general. I know that she's an extrovert and a very lucky young woman; soon, she'll even forget that we had this conversation.

But I am very sensitive. While I was the one convincing her and a depressed aunt to be happy and more productive, I'm in a scary situation: the feelings I experienced while suffering from depression two years back, and I'll never feel that I'll be fully cured because there's no cure to something so transformative, are coming back-some important ones-aside from the occasional yet few and far in between relapses.

My point being it is currently not well suited for my mental well-being to continue with pointing out my flaws.

I am in no mood to start a gratitude journal either.

Additionally, I feel Wattpad had become an unsaid pressure. I have a few loyal readers who always comment on the new updates and thus, I self-inflict pressure on myself to update-at the cost of valuable time that should be spent studying.

I also think that I don't value time, not at all. I'm going to start the third year of my undergraduate degree soon and I need to figure out a future path to start working towards, much as it is outside my comfort zone.

So far, I've never planned a thing in life. Mummy has always made the important decisions for me. This time she went wrong with the choice of my undergrad subject which, being clinically depressed, I was in no state of mind to speak against. We had a huge fight and continuous ones at that-for the entire first year of my degree. I used to come back home and cry everyday. I hated studying this shit and not having friends and being fat and the snobby crowd.

This is such a personal confession that I'm really not thinking of anybody reading it. But I need to type it out for myself. There're very few things in the world I do for myself-the rest of the time, I'm just this lost girl wandering from class to class with an empty mind and a constant companion named insecurity-so I deserve to give myself this one chance.

That's not to say that I'll stop learning, or unconsciously observing everyday actions. I think there's a lot I need to stop doing, and very few to begin.

I'm one year down into a professional qualification. I don't think of the final year. Each day is a battle for me-forcing myself to do something I'm completely against.

I feel that I'm not a good singer and have learnt nothing from the singing classes so far so I should stop them until later. But I'm scared of offending my teacher.

I feel that I'm not flexible with my body and cannot carry myself as a dancer should. I should stop my dance classes until indefinitely later. But I'm scared of offending my teacher.

I don't like learning German. There's no giddy, happy or excited feeling in my tummy when I go to class or learn new stuff. And I'm not making this up from the books. This happens to me when I think of learning new things that I'm genuinely passionate about, or when I discover new things entirely on my own-though the latter happens very rarely as I constantly put myself down and internally criticise myself a lot. I don't want to learn German but it's a good thing to learn a foreign language so I'm doing it. I want to stop. But I'm scared of things going wrong for negative-thinking me if I don't know at least one foreign language.

I don't like running and I don't enjoy running and I don't want to force myself out of bed on a Saturday morning, the only day I get to sleep, to do an activity with aunties who don't encourage me as much as I need it. But I'm scared of offending Krishnan aunty.