February Journal

Ailing Memory: Another Journal Entry

I'm homesick. Almost nothing feels like home anymore. In some ways that is probably a good thing. There's different kinds of "home," for me at least. There's people/things/places that make me feel wanted and loved and safe, and then there are people/things/places that do just the opposite. (((It's probably really unhealthy for me to separate the idea of feeling at home into two different categories like that. I've read about how that can negatively affect your mental health, but I really don't know how else to think about it....anyway....I got on a tangent there.))) I feel loved and safe usually. I feel wanted. Alex always helps to fill that need. And so does my sister Aeslyn. My dad is trying and I appreciate that. I guess the part of "home" that I'm homesick for is the other kind. I want to be told I am worthless again and I want to be told I am the worst thing to exist. I want to feel like I am the absolute scum of the earth. I want to hide my crying and hide in my closet so I can cry in peace. I want all of these things just so I have some incentive to exist at all. When I am being told all of those things I have a reason not to give up. I have someone, something, to defy. It makes me feel powerful. It's clear at this point that I have connected feeling powerful/in control with being in pain, and a lot of pain. This is probably why I am having more dissociative episodes lately. There are still fucked up events happening in my life but the people themselves are not as cruel and rotten as they used to be. I used to be able to rely on that danger and on that tragedy. That's not how it works anymore and I'm homesick. I wish the world still revolved like it used to and I wish I could still be ignorant and pretend that everyone is evil. But I can't do that. If I did, it would be willful ignorance. I've never been able to do that. It eats away at my happiness. It's counterproductive. And so here I am. Stuck.