Perrie's POV
Jesy is on the phone again, she is talking about the funeral arrangements. I told Jesy I don't want to go to the funeral but she says I have to. She says I will be sorry forever if i don't, but I think it will just make me feel worse. I don't have to go back to school until next week, but that doesn't matter. I don't really care about school because people don't really talk to me. It's not that they don't like me it's just i avoid talking to them. I stare at the clock on the wall watching the seconds slowly tick away. Every tick in my mind makes me think of that layer of my life being pulled off, slowly and painfully. it creates a ringing in my ears and I stop looking at the clock. I haven't said anything since last night, I'm afraid if I say words I might crumble. It feels better like this, no words and no emotions. my mind is numb, numb is better than pain. I move to sit on the couch next to Leigh. She looks at me, eyes red and puffy, and takes my hand. She drags me into our room and closes the door.
"Look, Perrie, I know you are hurt but I'm scared for you, heck I'm scared for all of us. But you can't just keep this bottled up you have to talk about it. I know it's painful but everything has to get worse before it can get better. The pain you feel will eventually subside." she says gently.
I look at her for a moment. she is looking as me with understanding. i break and sob into her.
"All my life all I have ever been is hurt, everyone always leaves me. I can never fully let down my walls because that means feeling and that scaress the heck out of me. I don't want to hurt anymore I want to be normal, but all i ever do is hear that voice in the back of my head that says 'you aren't wanted here' 'your stupid' 'you're a waste of space' 'you should be dead because thats what he wanted.' and its not fair!" I cry out.
Once I realize i went to far I stand up. Alarm rushes through my body and I start to hyperventilate. My mind is telling me to run, so i do. I run through the house and out the door. I have no idea where I'm running. I just am. FInally I stop at a familiar place and just stare at it. The next thing I did was possibly the stupidest thing I have done in my whole life.
