Yellow//Eremin

Chapter 1

Every day. Every single day for me is an endless loop. No matter what, I can't escape it. Have you ever read that one book, Miss. Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children? It's as if I am stuck in a world like theirs, just it's a dark scary place and I'm completely alone. I'm stuck in a loop. There's no escape. I'm different, no one likes me. I can't escape. It's endless...

School is hell. Home is quiet. I have no friends, only people that hate me besides teachers. I'm not accepted and I never will be. I have people who I've never actually talked to or know anything about that hate me to such a degree that they want me to die. They attack me almost every day hoping I end my life and I've never actually spoken to them. Why do they hate me?

Because I'm different.

My house is always empty except for me. My parents are dead and I live with my grandfather who refuses to his job that requires him to almost always be gone. He doesn't hate me. He provides me with money for food and emergencies and cares about me. He asks how I am whenever he calls.

"Yes, grandfather. I am doing well. Yes, grandfather. I am okay. Everything is well"

Nothing is okay. I'm in a dark place. I have been for years. He can't see through my lies and I don't want to bother him with my problems. I only wish he'd retire. He can. He has enough money, but he doesn't want to.

I'm lonely. I have no one. No friends. You're my only family. You're the only one left and you now that. It's been like that for nearly five years.

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Today is like any other day. My house is dead silent with an exception for the water flowing from the shower head above me. I don't want to go to school. I want to sit in bed and sleep until I never wake up. Everyone hates me. I'm alone, but I have to go. I'd never actually ditch. My obsession over keeping perfect grades is in control of that, but oh, how I'd love to leave and never return. What's the point of staying here? What's the point of even staying on this world if no one would noticed your disappearance?

That's all I think about.

Is life even worth living if no one give a single shit about you? Is it worth going through this pain to eventually find the "light at the end of a tunnel" that everyone claims exists? There's no light. There's no happiness. It'd be there one second, and be gone the next. It would only be a tease.

I quickly step out of the shower and put on my clothes to avoid seeing myself in the mirror. I can't stand looking at myself. I'm such an ugly human being.

Before I know it, I am walking out of the house with my backpack and layers of clothing to keep me warm. Winter is not fun for me. I can't drive a car, I have no one to drive me, I don't have a bike, and I'm close enough to school where I don't have to ride a bus even though it's a far walk. By the time I get to school I'm always sure that I have frostbite no matter how many layers I have on.

If only I had a boyfriend. One that would hold my hands to warm them up. If only I had someone I could joke around and be happy with. If only there was a boy out there that loved and cared about me. Someone who'd kiss me on the forehead to cheer me up. If only...

My feet, hands, and nose were completely numb by the time I made it to school. Since I was early, everyone was still waiting outside the doors for them to open. I mindlessly wandered around the properly staring down at my feet. Eventually, I managed to ram myself into another student and earned myself a "watch where you're going, f*ggot" from them.

Ah, school. What a magical place. Everyone's an asshole, and the teachers couldn't care less about how you feel, or how depressed you are. It's only the money that's important, right? That's exactly why I hate it here. I have no one to talk to so my emotions just stay bottled up in me waiting to come out. I'll probably go crazy before I make a friend. Or maybe kill myself... What's the point of living if this is how life is going to be?