2am Habits (Bill Skarsgård love story)

Chapter 9

We were welcomed by the quietness and darkness of my empty apartment. I could hear my own heartbeat stammering against my chest like a racing horse and I was pretty sure Bill could hear it too.

My hand searched around the wall blindingly, trying to find the light switch. Somehow tonight it felt impossible to locate it. Maybe it could have been due to nerves or maybe it was a sign that I didn't want to see what was going to happen for allowing this to continue.

The lights flickered on, slower than usual and that only added to my nervousness. I set my bag down softly onto the couch, scared of making any loud noise. Any little thing that would cause my heart to jump out of my rib cage.

I turned around sighing nervously as I placed a strand of hair behind my ear with shaky hands.

"Do you want anything to drink?" I asked trying to sound calm and collected. I was burning inside and it was slowly becoming more and more overwhelming the longer Bill stared at me with his emerald eyes.

"Water is fine" Bill said with a small smile. His eyes wandered my apartment in curiosity, the same way they would probably wander my body on a lonely Friday night.

I scurried to the kitchen, still in Bill's view. I took a water bottle out of the fridge and set it on the counter for him. I took a seat on the high chair, not wanting to even look towards my bedroom.

Maybe if I don't mention it
He'll think I don't own a bedroom...

Stupid ideas ran through my mind but there were too many to swat away, like mosquitoes on a hot summer day.

Bill made his way towards me, taking a seat across from where I sat.

"You're nervous" Bill said as he opened the bottle of water effortlessly. Something I always had to ask Jessica for help with. He began to drink from it, not letting his eyes leave mine.

"I'm fine" I lied trying not to break down and tell him how nervous I really was. His eyes studied my face, like he was inspecting a porcelain doll, looking for any small crack.

"You haven't done this before" he said as his eyes met with mine once again.

I wanted to look away.
Not let my eyes spill the truth he so deeply desired.

"Am I the first you have brought home?" He asked as he placed the bottle of water back onto the counter The pressed plastic crunched, allowing it to be the only response he was getting.

"Does it matter?" I responded, my voice threatening to crack like the way the bottle of water had done a couple seconds ago.

We suddenly heard the loud sound of rain begin to pour outside.

"It's raining" I said trying to change the subject as I stood up to close the window. I took my time, looking out into darkness as I could see car lights gleam in the soaked atmosphere.

I wanted to be one of those cars. I wanted to drive away from this situation and not be alone in a room with someone that was bound to break my heart.

To break me

I could feel Bill's eyes on me yet looking outside made me feel safer than I felt inside. My heart slightly turned to look at him, my hair softly falling onto my face. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, and it didn't feel like it was raining. It felt like it was a hot summer day, and I was wearing his favorite dress.

My eyes slowly met his and we were both sent into a euphoric feeling.

I know he felt it too

Suddenly Bill stood up, quickly making his way towards me. I turned around to face him, knowing exactly where this was heading but allowing it to happen anyways.

I felt his body push me slightly against the cold window, the icy sensation feeling soothing against my burning skin.

The fire burning inside my body had finally caught up to me

I know Bill could feel how hot my skin was. I was the complete opposite of the weather.

A rebellion

I was summer. I was warm days and late mornings. Ice cream on Thursday afternoons and evening walks on Friday night. I was short dresses with colorful prints and heart shaped sunglasses on beach car rides.

I was everything he missed

It didn't take long before I felt his lips on mine and the cold window suddenly felt like home. My hand laid against the small window pane, a reminder that I was still alive and that I wasn't imagining all of this.

Kissing him felt like those days.

Those summer days

I had a feeling this was going to escalate more than it should've but I soon realized I was just as infatuated with danger as I was with him.

Complete infatuation

The heat between us were reasons for warning signs on hot coffee cups or boiling water in pots. It was extremely hazardous, almost uncomfortable but I couldn't find myself being able to move. I still drank the coffee carefully and touched the hot water with my finger to test the temperature.

The difference was, I always did it carefully.
But when I kissed Bill back, I knew it was anything but careful.

It was reckless
And
I loved it that much

It's a difficult battle. A bloody and messy one at that. To have your mind and heart screaming at you to stop or continue going. It feels like you're being pulled apart in two. To have them pounce at each other and for you to be caught in the middle of it.

It was like having a devil and an angel on your shoulders, but it was a burning sensation within you. It was confusing and scaring. You didn't know what to do but somehow managed to do a lot within that fight. It's like you're a muse, two artists fighting each other because one wants you one way while the other wants you another. Paint flying everywhere and soon enough you become the art. You're covered in all different shades of guilt and pleasure.

That was my heart and mind and everything was so loud and messy.

It was all too much.
And soon I realized
That I couldn't figure out
If my heart wanted me to stop
Or keep going
If my brain wanted me to stop
Or keep going.

I didn't know anything anymore. The only comforting sensation being Bill's lips on mine, and maybe my physical desires were stronger than the battle that was going within me that was now beginning to feel like a war.

Maybe my soul wasn't involved in this messy war.

Maybe my soul knew what I wanted all along

Not what I needed...