Dear Human Species

CHAPTER 1: VALIDATION

Dear Human Species,

I look in the mirror everyday, seeing my muffin top spilling over the elastics of my pajamas. I suck in my breath, trying to make my abdomen look flatter. After few minutes I just give up, can't hold it in any longer, not the breath and neither my tears. I look in the mirror again and say "I don't care! I love how I look." However I know it is a blatant lie, a lie that I tell myself everyday in hopes that someday I might actually believe it, today was not the day.

I get ready and head for school. There I see girls of my age, my classmates walking around the corridor and laughing. Their eyes glance up at me, I can't help but feel that they are laughing at me, probably saying "The ugly fat girl is back". I pretend to ignore them, but their laughter is etched into my mind.

I see them walking, tall and confident. Slender figure and flat stomach. I can't help but look up in the reflecting windows of the classes and see myself. Fat and ugly. Short hair, glasses and an over-sized shirt. I curse my genes "why could I not be prettier?" My eyes sort through my class, trying to find someone who may look fatter than me. It is a shitty move, I am well aware, however it is the only way I can validate myself.

Validate such an important word. We as human species need validation from someone. A lover needs validation from his/her partner. A parent needs validation from his/her child. A child needs validation from his/her parent. A teacher needs validation from his/her student. A student needs validation from his/her teacher. And people like me, well we need validation from our friends and peers. We humans just want to be loved and validation is a confirmation stamp that we are loved and wanted.

I admit that I try to take in sympathy from my friends, it is my way of feeling validated. It is shameful, I agree, but at that moment I am desperate to feel good, good about myself. I like it when they say "You have curves, I look like a 9 year old boy," I like it when they say "You are smart and funny." I like it when they praise me, even if sometimes they bring themselves down. I mutter some protest but I enjoy their praises. It seems so shameful when I write about it. Is something wrong with me? am I so broken? that I deliberately find new ways to bring out my accomplishments, just for a praise? Is that what I have been reduced to?

This god forsaken validation and human's need for it. I wonder do you feel the same way? or I am the only demon residing among saints. Do you feel the urge to validate yourself? how do you keep your humanity and sanity intact? 'cause I think I crave validation as much as a vampire craves blood. Even asking you these questions is my way of getting validation, way of knowing that I am not turning into a monster. I call others attention seeker, but I am no better.

I cannot remember a time when I did not need to be validated. I wish I could turn the clock and go back to the time when I did not even know what validation meant let alone crave it. It would be so relieving, as if some burden was taken off you. It would be like tasting freedom after years of imprisonment. Your need of validation shackles you, inhibits you from doing what pleases you. You only do what pleases others. You are scared to voice out your opinions and your protests, worrying about what others might think, how would they perceive you? The need to appease people is uncanny, but the need to be validated is even more.

So thank you my fellow humans, thank you for making me understand this flaw in me. I cannot get rid of it or control it, all I can do is live with it . That is exactly what I do, I have accepted it and flaunt it now. It is a beast in me that will always be there, untamed and I have made peace with it. So should you! So thank you Human Species and our godforsaken psychology for giving us this companion for our entire life.

THANK YOU!

Yours Sincerely,

A Fellow Human