To Love the Rain

Chapter Twelve

The sun had already set by the time I got to the church. It slipped back into its nightly hibernation in a practiced motion, bringing forth a deep blue sky. It had been a rare, cloudless day, devoid of any rain, and as such, that also transitioned to its sister at night. The winds that had terrorized much of the winter had died down today, and I was left to walk alone in peace.

Well, perhaps peace wasn't the right word.

I was crying.

I walked and sobbed, and walked and sobbed. I wiped away my tears with whatever item I could use- be it with my sleeves, or the occasional leaf I would pluck from a tree I passed. I knew exactly why I was crying, and perhaps that was why I felt so damn pathetic. If Melody was here, she'd most likely tell me to shut up, man up, and speak up. She was just so strong, and I had no idea how she did it. I mean, her parents were both gone, and she lived with an uncle that was apparently the worst human to walk the Earth, but she still remained undaunted. And me? I didn't even have the strength to apologize to my own mother.

How was she so strong?

Stop crying, Merci.

Stop it.

Melody doesn't ever cry, so you shouldn't either.

Stop it!

But no matter how many times I told the tears to stop, or how many times I wiped at my stinging eyes, I couldn't. The tears continued to fall, and the hiccups continued to rise. Even the cicadas left me alone tonight, and only the wind's sorrowful whispering accompanied my quiet sobs.

I just couldn't stop crying.

By the time I reached the church, I was red-eyed, and heaving.

It probably wasn't a pretty sight, but I couldn't really bring myself to care in the moment. The only thing upon my mind was the horrible, guilty shame that weighed down my heart. I mean, I had dreamt of that moment for hours on end, and when it finally came time to do right by my mom, I had choked! I couldn't even apologize to my mom- how pathetic was that?

A fresh round of tears stung my eyes.

Just great.

"Are you crying?"

Melody stood outside the church, waiting for me under the lamplights of the street. She was dressed in all black, as usual, but there was something about her tonight that I just couldn't place. Her hands were shoved into the pocket of her sweatshirt, and something odd flashed in her eyes as she saw me approaching.

I didn't respond- I was too tired to anyway.

Melody didn't push me for once, and merely nodded.

"Do you still want to clean the church?"

It was just a simple question.

But underneath the lamp light and with the cloudless night sky as my witness, it felt like something much, much more symbolic. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I shook my head.

"Not tonight."

She looked uncomfortable, and I didn't blame her.

I was usually the one who decided what we did with an overwhelming enthusiasm, and a smile to match. But honestly, tonight, I just wasn't feeling it. I felt guilty for that, but then I was mad that I felt guilty in the first place. I mean, it wasn't like I had to be happy 24 freaking 7, right?