Defining Family

Chapter 11

My hands shake as I walk down the rows of chips and soda in the drugstore. I finally find the medication and my eyes scan over the items landing on the pregnancy test. The letters swim before my eyes. And I worry I might faint or puke. I reach out a hand and grab a box off the shelf.

Then I carefully stick it in my basket, covering it with the candy bar and two bags of chips I'd grabbed as a disguise. I pull my hair into my eyes, covering my face and walk up to the cashier. I hand him my items and he rings them up without blinking an eye, like he sells pregnancy tests to terrified teenage girls everyday. He bags my stuff and I slide him the twenty dollars I owe.

I hurry out of the store and into the car. I had told Anna I needed to go to the drugstore for 'woman supplies' which wasn't technically a lie. She smiles at me and A stab of guilt fills me, "All set?"

I nod nervously. She turns the keys in the ignition and pulls out of the parking lot and towards home.

When we get home I run upstairs and lock the bathroom door. I carefully read the directions on the back of the box. My hands are still shaking as I pull out the white tube. When I'm done I rest the test on top of the toilet. I stare at it then at the time on my phone, 5:13. In ten minutes I'll know. I can't do anything but stare at it, willing time to move faster. 5:21...5:22. Then the last number changes, 5:23. The test gives a quiet beep and I start to stand, but sink back down. My limbs aren't responding, I'm completely frozen.

Someone knocks on the door and I freeze, or at least continue to not move. "Madison, are you okay? You've been in there a while."

I close my eyes, "I'm fine," I squeak out, "I'll be out in a minute."

   "Okay," Anna sounds worried and I feel bad for lying to her.

   I suck in a deep breath and stand. The little square is blinking up at me, +. I close my eyes. "No," I whisper, "No, oh god, no."

"What did you say?" Anna asks.

"Nothing," I call, but my voice breaks and I start to cry. Anna must be able to hear me because the door nob twists uselessly. "It's locked." I sob.

"Hold on a moment, Maddie. Just hold on."

I hear steps pounding down the stairs, but it's all I can do to hold myself upright. What am I going to do?

The door nob is twisting again, but this time it works and Anna comes in. Her eyes move around the room. Brushing over me to my clenched fists gripping the sink's edge. Then they land on the tube still resting on the toilet. Her breath catches and my tears start to come quicker.

She doesn't yell, though. She walks over and rests her hand on my shoulder. My knees buckle and I start to fall. In a split second her arms are around me, holding me up. She half carries me into the bedroom. I sink into the bed, still sobbing.

         I can't breathe, my brain races in circles. I'm so sure that as soon as I'm not crying Anna will be telling me to get the hell out of her house. Even teens with actual parents who raised them from birth get kicked to the curb when they're pregnant. How could I possibly expect someone who's only known me a couple of weeks to do anything else?

       This thought just makes me cry harder. No one will take me now. I'll be in group homes til I'm 18. They'll probably take the baby from me too. Who's going to let a fifteen year old who's never been parented be a parent.

        I gasp for breath, the tears won't stop and my nose is stuffed up now. I place a hand on my stomach. There's a human being growing inside me, a person I'm supposed to take care of, even when I can barely take care of myself.

      My eyes are blurred, but I can still see Anna hovering over me. She's still waiting for an opening to tell me I'm kicked out. "I'll be packed and out of here by tonight, don't worry." I sob.

       I can faintly make out her shaking her head. She brushes away my tears with her finger tips. "Maddie, I don't want you to leave."

       I sit up, my tears halted by shock. "What?"

       She smiles at me, "You're not going anywhere. You can stay here as long as you want. We love you, Maddie. We're going to help you through this."

       This starts me crying again, I lean against her. "Really."

      She kisses my forehead, "Yes."

      I sit there for I don't know how long, my tears eventually dry up, "I'm scared," I whisper.

      "I know."

      She doesn't say anything else, doesn't ask me questions. There is no pressure to tell her who the father is. She's just there. Holding me up until I'm ready to stand on my own. It's such an unfamiliar feeling. My heart fills. I've never felt this safe. I don't remember what it's like to be loved. I'm learning, though.

        I cover my stomach with my hand, my baby won't grow up in the system, all alone. They'll grow up here and if I have anything to say about it, they'll never know what it's like to be unwanted, even if that feeling is all too familiar to me.