RANDOM POETRY YAY

To You

It's so hard for me to say how I feel out loud. 

I get these major bursts of anxiety and I freak out.

I wish I could explain why I did what I did to your face.

I wish I had the courage to say just what I've been telling everyone else. 

I hate myself for how I let things play out.

As much as you burnt me out,

You didn't deserve to be cut off like you were

And I'm sorry.

I've always been independent.

I've never liked to really fully trust in someone else,

Because I'm used to getting let down.

I didn't want to get let down any more.

We got so close and it scared me.

What if you left like everyone else did?

What if we drifted apart like everyone else?

What if we were never the same?

My defense mechanism was pushing you away.

You never understood that it was the only way to protect myself.

You got hurt by it.

That was the intention, but it wasn't.

I go through these times where I don't want to speak with anyone.

It happened with you, it happens with everyone.

I hide in my room whenever I'm home,

I ignore texts like it's my job.

I leave so many people on read.

Some understand, but you never did.

I could never explain any of this to you because

YOU would never get it.

It became apparent to me that you really didn't understand me at all.

You never knew me.

No one knows me better than I know myself.

Not you, not anyone.

So I take myself away from peoples' lives.

I slowly leave until they start to forget I was even a part of their life.

But not you.

You always stuck around like cancer.

Your mental issues made me so much worse.

Your drama seeped into my life and caused a whole new world of hurt.

Your mood affected mine, and vice versa.

"Friendship goals" became a mental death sentence.

I became so burnt out by being your best friend.

There's the truth. 

I couldn't handle it and I tried explaining that I needed a break,

But you wouldn't let me have my time or space.

It became so frustrating that I could never escape you.

Wherever I looked, there you were.

Social media was no longer my safe haven or escape.

You seeped into everything that was important to me.

I couldn't have anything for myself and it freaked me out.

Nothing was safe from YOU.

Nothing was mine anymore.

I couldn't take it.

I couldn't handle it.

I left.

I'm sorry,

But for once 

I PUT MYSELF FIRST.

And yet here I am.

Months after the incident, the arguments.

I still can't get you out of my head.

I can't let things you do stop bothering me.

Things you post still get to me.

I go out of my way to check up on you without letting you know.

I see you have a replacement for me.

In fact, she was there long before I left.

She was the one that you went to and complained about me.

She was the one who said I was a bad influence and a bad friend.

You know what? 

I lived up to that expectation.

She could have you. 

I'm sick of being slightly important to people because everyone will have someone else.

I'll never be truly special.

I will always feel like I have to compete.

And I hate it. 

I left because I do not want to fight to be number one to someone. 

If it's between me and someone else, always choose the other person.

Because I no longer care.

I want to be fully rid of you because you are literal cancer to me.

I don't know how to not let things bother me.

I've always had that problem and it is beyond awful.

I don't know how to fully say I'm sorry.

Maybe I will never find those words, really.

So I guess this is my sort-of apology.

My sort-of goodbye.

My version of a best friend break-up letter.

A way to get all of my feelings out there.

Goodbye.