Her, To Home

Chapter#15

Her mind had gone blank, she was still unaware how to answer when he spoke such words. He had always loved her but it was new for her to hear him speak to her as a woman he loved. His every gesture, his look, every word had her remind this every second that he loved her. His stare was never empty of expressions when he looked at her. Only her, because that's all he ever looked at now. Every chance he got.

The sound of bell shook her out of her trace, she unwillingly straightens herself to pay attention to the teacher in front despite feeling his eyes still on her.

The hour passed in a blur; she felt the air stuck in her throat most of the time- unwilling to let her breathe properly. It was uncomfortable along with calming at the same time. Being in love with Dean had always been like that, even when she thought him as a friend, it was always just there, like a presence, not showing but still reminding of its presence again and again.

He was still looking at her when she looked at him at the end of the class, eyes hot, dark stared at her- a smile on his lips as he offered his hand out to her to hold, with other he held her bag and books along with his. Walking beside him once again had her process all those thoughts again. The difference between them was so large that anyone could tell with just a look. He had loved her since so long, she felt the gap between them was too big. She was just chasing his disappearing back which was walking further and further into loving her and she was just gasping for air to keep up with his love. She knew she would never be able to catch up with him, never be able to fall in the same step as him for his love was old, deeper and more, always. After realizing she was in love with him, there was a desperate need to catch up with his speed, love him as deeply as he had loved her, fall for him as much as he had fallen for her.

"What are you worrying over now?" his question pulled her out of her thoughts. She looked around to see herself standing on school' roof. It was restricted area since the edges were dangerous. She didn't ask how he got the keys to unlock the door.

He sat on the cold, hard ground himself and pulled her on his lap, her back against his chest. She suddenly was too warm, the cold disappeared. She watched as he pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it but didn't let it meet his lips. He was still waiting for her to answer his question.

"I just want to catch up to you." she softly said.

The cigarette was still in her sight, still not reaching his lips. Even when she couldn't see his face, she knew he had smiled.

"Not going to happen."

"Why?" didn't he wanted to make her love him more, love him as much as he loved her.

"I will always be the one to love you more, baby. I can't allow you to catch up to me. The second I feel you are close; I will run harder, faster. I will always be the one forward."

"I don't understand." she was confused. Why would he, the most selfish man in love would not want this? Would not want her to be completely in love with him? To fall so deep as he has so she won't also have an escape.

"Because as long as I am forward, you will keep running. I don't want you to love me more, I just want you to keep loving me. Even now, this is enough as long as you are even crawling behind me- I will willingly be the one to be running faster and harder. I don't want it to be hard for you to love me. Stay at your pace, as long as there is a pace- I am satisfied." he finally pulled the cigarette to his lips.

She silently processed his words.

It wasn't that he wasn't selfish but his selfish had new heights, it was different. It was deeper. It was desperate, he was desperate. He was so desperate for her to love him; he won't dare ask for more. He wouldn't dare ask her to love him more than she was willing. As long as she stayed with him, he would have her. Without a question, without a complain. He had lived hoping that she would accept him, for him just this moment was enough. She understood that was his words had just made her more desperate to catch up to him, she wanted to love him as much as he loves her too. She wanted to give him everything he wanted in those past years, as he waited for her.

He was right, she was chasing him. as long as he was in front of her, she would keep running, gasping to catch up to his speed. His twisted mind knew her too well. He knew that she would never be able to catch up and that would just make her more desperate to do so.

She would fall, get hurt and lose breath but he won't stop moving forward because he didn't care what she had to do to keep moving forward as long as she did it. As long as she keeps loving him, he didn't care for how and why. Her being hurt, her falling would just make her more desperate and he won't turn his head to look back even once. He had always done that, had run so deep in falling for her, without looking at her once, without being bothered about whether she was following. Even now, she knew he didn't care. He didn't care if she was following him or not for, he will love her regardless what she thought, what she felt. His love wasn't going to ask her anything, wasn't going to demand her love back because even if she didn't follow him, he would still go deeper, faster.

His love never needed her approval, her acceptance. It just needed her, alive and breathing.

A soft cold wind blew, making her shiver. The fact that they were on the roof also made it seem colder. Noticing her shiver through his own body, he had thrown away the leftover cigarette and surrounded her with both his arms, hugging her to his hot body.

"Better?" he asked.

She just nodded.

"O'Brain?"

"Hmm?"

"Wanna go on date with me?"

She looked back at him so fast, it had hurt her neck. Looking at his smiling eyes, with joy dancing in them so fast she got lost, she slowly nodded her head.

The smile he gave in answer had broken her heart.

He pulled her in a tight back hug, kissing the side of her face repeatedly. As if he couldn't believe she had said yes. As if he couldn't believe that there would be any other answer other than no.

"Fuck! Thank God!" he was saying as he kissed her again and again. His words in an intense plea. She didn't know he believed in God.

He finally calmed down and turned her to face him. He was full blown grinning as he looked at her. His eyes crinkled from the grin; face stretched in glee. She found herself smiling back at his expressions. He cupped her face with his both his palms and kissed her head. His hand was hot, his lips cold as they touched her skin. But yet all she felt was electrified. Like his lips had send a direct jolt down to her heart.

"It'll be the best date ever, I promise."

"No, it will be the only date I have ever gone on."

"Why would you need experience in dating? I am enough in your everything. Remember that." he snapped.

"Everything." she repeated smiling.